Harvest All Your Mocking
by sinecure
Summary: The second part to my Hellmouth parody... characters from later seasons are forced to mock the first episode of BtVS. *Finished*


Harvest All Your Mocking  
  
an MST of The Harvest,  
  
by sinecure  
  
  
Disclaimer: I suppose I should say a few words to keep the rich and powerful owner-type guys off my back. I don't own anything except the words I'm writing, so don't sue me, and I won't claim anything that's not mine.  
  
The idea is to take characters that weren't on the show the first season, and strand them on a Satellite of Love, or something similar, and let them at the first season. Let's see if it actually works, shall we?  
  
I love this show, especially the first three seasons. I think Joss and the other writers are Gods--well, practically--and can do mostly no wrong. On the other hand, I love making fun of things, and BtVS and Angel are just fodder for my supposed wit. Sorry if anyone actually gets offended or anything.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Not ten minutes after the first part ended, the Voice boomed throughout the room, "Time for the second part. Sit, eat, drink, be mock-y!"  
  
Laughter sounded all around them, causing Spike to cover his ears. Inhuman hearing had its drawbacks at times.  
  
Tara and Anya had once again paired off, as had Wesley and Gunn. Spike had his good friend, the cigarette, to keep him company, but he wasn't bitter. At least that's what he told himself. Sure, he could use a little conversation every once in a while. Someone to make fun of.  
  
What was he, a barbarian? He had needs and all that crap just as much as humans did. It'd be nice if someone he actually liked was there. Like Dawn. Or Willow--  
  
"Now," the voice yelled, startling them all.  
  
Spike dropped his cigarette, grinding it under his boot heel, wishing it was the owner of the Voice he was crushing. He, and the others sat in their seats again, same as before. They all grabbed a bag of chips, candy, and general snacks, finally partaking of the refreshments offered to them earlier. Spike picked up a single mug full of blood and sat back, getting comfortable.  
  
Here we go again, he thought.  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Inside the mausoleum. Luke tries to bite Buffy, but  
  
SPIKE: ...her stench has him reeling away in disgust.  
  
burns himself on the cross hanging around her neck and jerks  
  
SPIKE: (opens his mouth to say something)  
OTHERS: Don't!  
SPIKE: (sighs) Well, this is gonna be fun.  
  
back. Buffy seizes  
  
GUNN: ...and dies. The end.  
  
the opportunity and push kicks him out of the coffin. She climbs out of it and races outside. Cut outside. Buffy runs to catch up with  
  
ANYA: ...some guy she saw walking past. (as Buffy) Hey, wait up, cutie!  
  
Willow, Xander and Jesse. She hears a vampire  
  
GUNN: ...doing its impression of Shirley Temple, and runs screaming from the graveyard, driven mad.  
ANYA: (as vamp, singing) I'm the good ship, Lollypop--  
OTHERS: AHHH!  
  
roar and a girl screaming and runs toward the sounds. Cut to Willow on the ground, about to be bitten.  
  
Willow -   
No! Get off!  
  
SPIKE: She's escaped being bitten more times than a cat has lives.  
ANYA: As careless as she is, I'm amazed that she's only got the one bite mark. And from Harmony, no less. An extremely terrible vampire by all accounts.  
TARA: She has two bite marks.  
ANYA: Who's the other one from? Xander said she's only been bitten once.  
TARA: (glares at Spike) Ask him.  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Don't look at me, I didn't bite her. Not for want of trying.  
VOICE: Shut up, and keep reading!  
  
Buffy -   
Hey!  
  
The vampire looks up, and Buffy snap kicks him off of Willow. He gets up and runs away. Willow is shocked by what she sees.  
  
WESLEY: ...A vampire who has lost his pants, and is currently flying through the air after tripping over them.  
  
Buffy quickly starts the hunt again.  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Shh! I'm hunting wabbits, hehehehe.  
  
Willow gets up and runs after her.  
  
GUNN: (as Willow) I wanna hunt wabbits too!  
  
Cut to Xander being dragged away by two vampires.  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) Wabbits? Ooo, I wanna hunt wabbits!  
  
Willow appears between two gravestones.  
  
GUNN: (as Willow) Come on, Xander! We're hunting wabbits!  
SPIKE: (stares at them) You two scare me.  
GUNN/WESLEY: (grin at each other)  
  
Willow -   
Xander!  
  
The vampires are distracted. Buffy takes advantage of the opening and  
  
ANYA: ...runs away to find better friends.  
  
jumps in, high punches one and side kicks the other. She notices  
  
TARA: ...that neither of the vampires are paying attention to her, and begins to pout.  
  
a dry branch on a tree and breaks it off.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) This will look super cool in my room. I'll hang it above my bed, and be all woodsy.  
  
As one of the vampires gets up she plunges the  
  
ANYA: ...toilet.  
WESLEY: ...branch into Xander.  
GUNN: (as vamp) Uh, lady, he wasn't a vampire.  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) I know. I just didn't like him.  
  
stick into him. Willow rushes over to Xander who's still on the ground.  
  
Willow -   
Xander, are you  
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) ...really impotent? 'Cause that's what everyone's saying.  
  
okay?  
  
Xander -   
Man, something  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) ...stinks. Whew, Buffy, it's called a shower... you should use one every once in a while.  
  
hit me.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Well, if you insist...  
  
Buffy -   
Where's Jesse?  
  
TARA: (as Willow) Why? Do you wanna hit him too?  
  
Willow -   
I don't know! They surrounded us.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) ...and started singing songs and holding hands... (sniffs) it was awful.  
  
Xander -   
That girl grabbed him and took off.  
  
Buffy -   
Which way?  
  
Xander -   
I don't know.  
  
She stands up straight and slowly scans the cemetery.  
  
WESLEY: Because suddenly she has laser eyes, with x-ray vision, and night sight.  
GUNN: She's the Terminator.  
WESLEY: (as Buffy, imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger) Like, ah'll be back, and stuff.  
  
Buffy - (whispers)  
Jesse!  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) I totally loved him. I am so sad right now... wow, Xander, I didn't know you had such huge muscles.  
  
The library.  
  
GUNN: ...picks up and leaves, embarrassed to be associated with such a horrible screen shot.  
  
The globe up on the stack level is spinning.  
  
ANYA: (as globe) Ahh! Somebody stop me, I'm gonna hurl!  
  
Giles stops it while he lectures  
  
ANYA: ...the other teachers on proper book usage.  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Alphabetical, people! It's a system!  
WESLEY: (snickers)  
  
and makes his way down to where Buffy, Willow and Xander are at the study table.  
  
Giles -   
This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise.  
  
TARA: (as Giles) It was gross and icky.  
  
For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) ...deeds, and the humans came en force to take over.  
ANYA: (as random human) We claim this land as ours... who cares if you were here first.  
  
on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures...  
  
Buffy -   
And vampires.  
  
WESLEY: Oh, check her out, summoning it all up with two words.  
  
Xander -   
Okay, this is where I have a problem. See,  
  
TARA: (as Xander) ...I'm stupid, so you'll have to explain it better than that.  
ANYA: (sighs angrily) He's not stupid.  
  
because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it.  
  
SPIKE: Imagine that.  
  
Willow -   
Isn't that what we saw last night?  
  
Buffy -   
No. No, ththose weren't vampires, those were just guys in thundering need of a facial.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) That's what I saw... wasn't that what you saw? That's what I saw. What'd you see?  
  
Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. Aand that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light. (Xander gives her a look)  
  
SPIKE: (as Xander) You're stupid. Those were vampires. Aren't you supposed to be the slayer?  
  
That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire. Well, after I was done with the screaming part.  
  
GUNN: (as Willow) Did you stutter and stammer as much when you said it then too?  
  
Willow -   
Oh, I, I need to sit down.  
  
TARA: (as Willow) The thought of Buffy screaming makes me ill... all that high pitched noise... (shudders) scary.  
  
Buffy -   
You are sitting down.  
  
Willow -   
Oh. Good for me.  
  
SPIKE: (chuckles)  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Get a life, people. Vampires laugh, quite often. In fact, we find a lot of stuff funny... like, for instance, ripping apart someone's insides. That's hilarious.  
OTHERS: (look disgusted)  
GUNN: These chairs are made of wood... I'd be careful what you say.  
SPIKE: I'm so scared.  
  
Xander -   
So vampires are demons?  
  
ANYA: (looks at Xander incredulously) Duh!  
  
Giles -   
The books tell the last demon to leave this reality  
  
WESLEY: (as book) Go on, demon, get out. Leave! We don't want you here anymore.  
  
fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed, infected by  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...Morty, the devil's lesser known brother.  
  
the demon's soul. He bit another, and another, and so they walk the Earth,  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...telling jokes, and spraying people in the face with seltzer water.  
SPIKE: (AS BUFFY) Hence the need for me, Biffy, the Clown Slayer.  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Exactly.  
  
feeding... Killing some, mixing their blood with others to make more of their kind. Waiting for the animals to die out, and the old ones to return.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...to wreak havoc on the earth. Picture it; silly string flying everywhere... seltzer water, big red shoes, it'd be horrible!  
  
Cut to the sewers. Darla and Luke are forcing Jesse into  
  
TARA: ...a V.W. bug, along with thirty others.  
ANYA: (as Luke) Yay, we topped our old record. Smooshing humans into a small space is fun.  
  
the Master's lair.  
  
Luke -   
Move!  
  
They reach the lair, which is actually what remains of a church, and Luke forces Jesse down the slope to the floor below. The Master approaches.  
  
GUNN: ...then backs away, then approaches, then backs away, then approaches. (as Master) I just love to salsa!  
  
Master -   
Is this for me?  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) No.  
WESLEY: (as Darla) No. Unh-uh.  
  
Luke -   
An offering, Master.  
  
WESLEY: (as Luke) He is a sample of what you could get if you signed up for AOL.  
ANYA: (laughs) I love that little voice thing. You've got mail.  
  
Darla -   
He's a good one! His blood is pure!  
  
SPIKE: (as Darla) ...you know, aside from the drugs, alcohol, numerous sex partners... of both sexes, and all the evil deceitful things he's done... other than that, he's pure as the driven snow.  
  
Master - (draws the obvious conclusion)  
You've tasted it.  
  
Darla looks down in shame.  
  
Master -   
I'm your... faithful dog. You bring me scraps.  
  
GUNN: (as Darla) Well, I didn't want to say anything...  
  
Darla -   
I, I didn't mean it...  
  
Master -   
I have waited. For three score years I have waited. While you come and go I am stuck here, here in this house of... (with extreme contempt)  
  
ANYA: (as Master) ...pancakes!  
  
worship! My ascension is almost at hand. Pray that when it comes... (takes Darla by the neck) I'm in a better mood.  
  
Darla -   
Master, forgive me! We had more offerings, but there was trouble. A girl!  
  
Luke -   
And there was a girl.  
  
TARA: (as Darla) Duh, Luke! I just said that. Like, get with the program.  
  
She fought well and she knew of our breed. It is possible that she may be...  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...a waitress. Born to battle annoying customers, and fight the dangerous heat of kitchen cooking.  
  
Master -   
...a Slayer!  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...or that.  
  
Cut to the library.  
  
Xander -   
And that would be a what?  
  
WESLEY: A building that houses books... Willow covered this in the first part.  
  
Giles -   
For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One.  
  
Buffy -   
He loves doing this part.  
  
TARA: (as Giles) I usually do it in costume, but now's probably not the time.  
  
Giles -   
Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...so there. Nya!  
  
Xander -   
Except for one thing: how do you kill them?  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Well, I don't actually kill them myself. I let Biffy--  
Gunn: (as Buffy) It's 'Buffy'!  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Whatever. Anyway, I let her do it for me. She likes to, it's fun for her. Right, Biffy?  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Look, there's something shiny on the door! Pretty.  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Yes, it's generally called a doorknob.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Pretty.  
  
Buffy -   
*You* don't, *I* do.  
  
Xander -   
Well, Jesse's my...  
  
SPIKE: (as Xander) ...lover. I should probably help or something.  
ANYA: (glares at Spike) I understand why no one likes you.  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
  
Buffy - (interrupts)  
Jesse is *my* responsibility. I let him get taken.  
  
Xander -   
That's not true.  
  
TARA: (as Willow) Yes it is. She's totally to blame.  
  
Willow -   
If you hadn't shown up they would have taken us, too. Does anybody mind if I pass out?  
  
ANYA: No.  
TARA: Yes.  
  
Buffy -   
Breathe.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) Oh, I don't do that anymore, it's bad for my allergies. But, you're welcome to use my air if you need to.  
  
Willow -   
Breathe.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Hey, what a coincidence! I don't breathe anymore either. It makes me look fat.  
  
Buffy -   
Breathe. (to Giles) This big guy, Luke. He talked about an offering to the Master. Now, I don't know what or who,  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) ...I am, but this Jesse guy seems to be eligible, so I'm going to find him, no matter what the cost.  
  
but if they weren't just feeding then Jesse may still be alive. I'm gonna find him.  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...'cause I need a man.  
GUNN/WESLEY: (snicker)  
  
Willow -   
Uh, this may be the dumb question, but shouldn't we  
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) ...kill Buffy? She's annoying.  
  
call the police?  
  
Giles -   
And they'd believe us, of course.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) Of course. We're the main characters, duh.  
TARA: Characters? Not hardly.  
ANYA: Well, this is practically a t.v. show. May as well be. Not as good as Jerry Springer, of course, but what is?  
  
Willow -   
Well, we don't have to say vampires. We, we could just say that there's a, a bad man.  
  
ANYA: (snorts and rolls her eyes) Yeah, that'll work.  
  
Buffy -   
They couldn't handle it even of they did show up.  
  
WESLEY: (chuckles) 'Even of'?  
GUNN: It's the new math. A handle isn't even of showing up. And that makes... 3! (grins)  
WESLEY: (laughs) Oh, of course. Now I see it.  
  
They'd only come with guns.  
  
Giles -   
You have no idea where they took Jesse?  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Um, the cops have Jesse? Cuz, I thought the vampires had him. I'm confused.  
  
Buffy -   
I looked around, but soon's  
  
SPIKE: What?  
WESLEY: Who's Soon? A new character... er, person?  
TARA: Typo. Or a bad contraction. Supposed to be 'soon as'.  
SPIKE: Oh. Right. I knew that.  
WESLEY: Yeah... me too.  
SPIKE: Wait. Why are there typos when we're watching this, not reading it?  
WESLEY: Don't ask, just accept.  
  
they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!  
  
Xander -   
They can fly?  
  
SPIKE: (scoffs) I wish. It'd make it a lot easier to get around.  
  
Buffy -   
They can drive.  
  
WESLEY: (looks skeptically at Spike) Some can, while others run down signs and crash into things.  
SPIKE: (grins) Gotta grab fun wherever you can, mate.  
  
Xander -   
Oh.  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) Look, I have gum!  
  
Willow -   
I don't remember hearing a car.  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) Look, Willow, gum!  
  
Giles -   
Let's take an enormous intuitive leap, shall we, and say  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) I have gum!  
  
they went underground.  
  
Buffy -   
Vampires really jam on  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) Gum!  
  
sewer systems. You can get anywhere in the entire town without catching any rays.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) ...I generally catch a lot of Bobby's and George's, but not a lot of Ray's. Oh, and once, there was a Penelope. You want her, Willow? She's chained up in my basement.  
  
But I didn't see any access around there.  
  
Xander -   
Well,  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) ...did I mention that I have gum?  
OTHERS: Yes!  
GUNN: (laughs)  
  
there's an electrical tunnel that runs under the whole town.  
  
ANYA: Look, Xander knew stuff. He had information that helped.  
Gunn: And gum.  
OTHERS: (snicker)  
ANYA: (grumbles)  
  
Giles -   
If we had a diagnostic of the tunnel system it might indicate a, a meeting place, it would, uh...  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...um, what was I saying? Who are you, people?  
  
I suppose we could go to the building commission.  
  
Buffy -   
We *so* don't have time.  
  
Willow -   
Uh, guys? There may be another way.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Alright, but I'm not sleeping with anyone. Unless they're cute. Or human. Or... oh, who am I kidding? I'll sleep with anything!  
ANYA: (snidely) Except Spike.  
SPIKE: (grins) Praise be.  
  
Cut to the Master's lair.  
  
Master -   
A Slayer! Have you any proof?  
  
ANYA: (as Master) ...of purchase? Otherwise, no refund for you!  
GUNN: (as Luke) Well she did kick my ass. And, given the fact that I'm one big-ass dude, and a demon to boot... I think there's something a little different about her.  
  
Luke -   
Only that she fought me, and yet lives.  
  
GUNN: Isn't he just Mr. Dramatic?  
  
Master -   
Hmm, very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened.  
  
Luke -   
1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping.  
  
SPIKE: Yeah, that's what happens when you hide underground for a hundred years. Bloody ponce.  
  
Master -   
She mustn't be allowed to interfere with the Harvest!  
  
Luke -   
I would never let that happen!  
  
TARA: (as Luke) Just the thought of her getting her dirty little hands all over our crops... well, it's just disgusting is what it is.  
  
Master -   
Don't worry about it. I believe she'll come to us. We have something she wants.  
  
Luke smiles at  
  
WESLEY: ...a rock.  
  
Jesse.  
  
WESLEY: Either, or.  
  
Master -   
If she is a Slayer, and this boy lives, she'll try to save him.  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) Unless she's a self-centered bitch who can't be bothered...  
GUNN: (as Master) ... We're doomed!  
  
Luke -   
I thought you nothing more than a meal, boy.  
  
He moves behind Jesse and takes his neck.  
  
ANYA: ...lace of gold, then his bracelet of silver.  
  
Luke -   
Congratulations. You've just been upgraded. To bait.  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) Yay! I've actually always wanted to be bait... this is gonna be *so* cool. I totally have this fantasy where it's me and a cow and--  
SPIKE: (shudders) Ew.  
  
Cut to the library. Willow has the city plans on the computer monitor.  
  
Buffy -   
There it is.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) No, Buffy, that's actually not it, but thanks for your help--  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) There it is!  
ANYA: (as Willow) Um, again, no, that's not it, but--  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) There it is!  
ANYA: (as Willow) Damn it, Buffy, that's not even a part of the map!  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) There it is!  
ANYA: (as Willow) God damn it... look, Buffy, over there... shiny!  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) There it-- ooo, pretty.  
  
Willow -   
That runs under the graveyard.  
  
Xander -   
I don't see any access.  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) That's because I put a bag over your head a few minutes ago.  
GUNN: (as Xander) Oh, I didn't notice. I have gum, Giles.  
SPIKE: (as Giles) That's nice.  
  
Giles -   
So, all the city plans are just, uh, open to the public?  
  
Willow -   
Um, well, Iin a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.  
  
SPIKE: (impressed) Go, Willow.  
  
Xander -   
Someone's been naughty.  
  
Buffy -   
There's nothing here, this is useless!  
  
Giles -   
I think you're being a bit hard on yourself.  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) It's my job to be hard on you, so--  
OTHERS: (sounds of disgust)  
SPIKE: (grins) And I wasn't even being dirty.  
  
Buffy -   
You're the one that told me that I wasn't prepared enough. Understatement! (exhales) I thought I was on top of  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) ...everyone. Then another guy comes along, and I have to start all over.  
  
everything, and then that monster, Luke, came out of nowhere...  
  
She flashes back to the fight in the mausoleum.  
  
Xander -   
What?  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) Hey, where'd she go? She just... flashed out of here--  
  
Buffy -   
He didn't come out of nowhere.  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) Ahh! Where'd you come from? You were gone, and then you were here.  
  
He came from behind me.  
  
SPIKE: Guess she likes it from behind--  
GUNN: Stop.  
  
I was facing the entrance, he came from behind me,  
  
SPIKE: As I said, she apparently likes--  
GUNN: And, as I said; stop!  
  
and he didn't follow me out. The access to the tunnels is in the mausoleum! The girl must have doubled back with Jesse after I got out! God! I am so mentally challenged!  
  
ALL: (conspicuously silent)  
SPIKE: Too easy.  
  
Xander -   
So, what's the plan? We saddle up, right?  
  
Buffy -   
There's no 'we', okay? I'm the Slayer, and you're not.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) ... so there. And nya nya.  
  
Xander -   
I knew you'd throw that back in my face.  
  
Buffy -   
Xander, this is deeply dangerous.  
  
Xander -   
I'm inadequate. That's fine. I'm less than a man.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Well, since you brought it up...  
ANYA: (glares at Tara)  
  
Willow -   
Buffy, I'm not anxious to go into a dark place full of monsters. But I do want to help. I need to.  
  
Giles -   
Well, then help me.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) Ew. But, you're old, and a man, and I'm gay. I wanna work with Buffy, 'cause I have a secret crush on her.  
TARA: (glares at Anya)  
OTHERS: (watch them glare at each other)  
  
I've been researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre. Rivers of blood, Hell on Earth, quite  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) ...fun sounding. Could be good times.  
  
charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy,  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Well, I told you not to eat that sucker, now you've got lint and stuff stuck all over your face. Bad, Giles!  
  
however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine.  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Um, Giles, you're pointing at a table.  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Not the table, the other thing.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) You mean the chair?  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Kill me now, God.  
  
Everyone stares at him. He looks back at them all.  
  
Giles -   
That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?  
  
TARA: (as Willow) You're British? I just thought you had a speech impediment.  
ANYA: (as Xander) Me too.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Ditto.  
WESLEY/SPIKE: (share an eye roll)  
  
Buffy - (smiles)  
Welcome to the New World.  
  
Giles - (to Willow)  
I want you to go  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...to my house, get undressed, and wait for me. Buffy, do the same. Xander, go find Jesse. Good luck out there, people! Let's go, let's go, let's go!  
  
on the 'Net.  
  
Willow -   
Oh, sure, I can do that. (begins to type)  
  
ANYA: (as Giles) Willow, we've talked about this before. Wait until you're at a computer before you do that.  
  
Buffy -   
Then I'm outta here. If Jesse's alive, I'll bring him back. (starts to leave)  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) And if he's not... I'll just shag him a few times, and meet you all back here.  
  
Giles -   
Do I have to tell you to be careful?  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) No. I'm Biffy, the Clown Slayer. Nothing can harm me except Bozo himself, and he's not in Sunnydale, silly.  
  
Buffy turns back, gives Giles a look and goes.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Here, have this look. I'm not using it anymore, and I figured you could use a few more, since all you have is the one.  
  
Cut outside. Buffy is making strides  
  
GUNN: ...in her quest to find a brain, however there is still one obstacle she must face... the dreaded Popcorn Toss.  
  
for a side gate. Mr. Flutie is there and stops her.  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
And where do we think we're going?  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) To save an eligible man from a vampire... why?  
  
Buffy -   
We? (turns to face him) I... Me...  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy, singing) I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I, I wanna talk about number one, oh my, me, my. What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I seeeeeeee... I like talking about you, you, you, you, usually, but occasionally, I wanna talk about meeeee!  
SPIKE: There will be *no* country music being sung at all. Got that? Ever!  
ANYA: (smugly) How'd you know it was country?  
SPIKE: I just-- I-- stop singing it!  
OTHERS: (snicker)  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
We're not leaving school grounds, are we?  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Well, I don't know about you, but I was going to. Wanna come? Oh, hey, you're actually kinda cute... you're not married are you? I'd forget about Jesse for you.  
  
Buffy -   
No! No, I'm... just admiring the fence. You know, this is quality fence work.  
  
WESLEY: There's no fence around that school.  
SPIKE: No there's not.  
ANYA: Sure isn't.  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
Because if we were leaving schools grounds on our second day at a new school, after getting kicked out of our old school for delinquent behavior... Do you see where I'm going with this?  
  
Buffy -   
Mr. Giles...  
  
TARA: (as Flutie) My name isn't Mr. Giles. Mr. Giles' name is Mr. Giles. My name is Mr. Flutie. Got it?  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Huh?  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
What?  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Huh?  
TARA: (as Flutie) What?  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Huh?  
TARA: (as Flutie) What?  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Huh?  
GUNN: (as Flutie) What?  
WESLEY: Please stop.  
GUNN: I beg of you.  
SPIKE: Stop. Now.  
  
Buffy -   
He asked me to get a book for him.  
  
GUNN: (as Flutie) Oh, I think they have some of those 'book' things in the library. You should try there.  
  
Uh, from the store, 'cause I have a free period,  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) ...and I need some tampons--  
GUNN: Stop!  
SPIKE: Good, God, woman!  
WESLEY: Go no further!  
ANYA/TARA: (chuckle)  
  
and I'm a big reader. Did it mention that in my transcripts?  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
Mr. Giles?  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) No, my name isn't Mr. Giles, Mr. Giles' name is Mr. Giles. My name is Buffy. Got it?  
TARA: (as Flutie) Huh?  
  
Buffy -   
Ask him.  
  
Mr. Flutie - (swings the gate closed)  
Well, maybe that's how they do things in *Britain*, they've got that royal family and all kinds of problems, (locks it) but here at Sunnydale nobody leaves campus while school's in session. Are we clear?  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) No, silly! We're not clear, people could see through us if we were. You're stupid.  
  
Buffy -   
We're clear.  
  
Mr. Flutie -   
That's the Buffy Summers I want in my  
  
SPIKE: (as Flutie) ...bed!  
GUNN: Dude, keep your fantasies to yourself.  
  
school. Sensible girl with her feet on the ground!  
  
He turns and leaves. Buffy watches him go. When he's gone a ways she crouches and leaps the fence.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Look at me, I'm a big cat. Rowr.  
  
Cut to Willow and Xander walking down a hall.  
  
Willow -   
Murder, death, disaster. What else?  
  
SPIKE: A girl after my own heart.  
TARA: Fine! You want her? As soon as we're out of here, find her, tell her you want her, and watch as she laughs in your face. You think Buffy was uninterested? Just wait until you tell Willow.  
SPIKE: (looks at Tara as if she's insane) Now what are you on about? I told you, I don't want Willow.  
TARA: Yeah, you just keep deluding yourself, Spike, that'll help.  
OTHERS: (watch them instead of the screen)  
VOICE: Get back to the show-- I mean, the thing... oh, just watch the screen!  
  
Xander -   
Paranormal, unexplained, did you get natural disasters?  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) No, I never really understood those. You?  
  
Willow -   
Earthquake, flood.  
  
Xander -   
Rain of Toads.  
  
SPIKE: Hopefully not that one.  
ANYA: Why?  
TARA: (matter-of-fact) Because Willow's afraid of frogs.  
ANYA: Why should Spike care if Willow's--  
TARA: Because he does! Am I the only one who sees it? Are you all blind suddenly? It's obvious he's got a thing for her.  
OTHERS: It is?  
SPIKE: (shrugs) I think Tara's gone 'round the bend, but that's just me.  
TARA: (exhales in frustration)  
  
Willow -   
Right.  
  
Xander -   
Rain of Toads! Do you think they'd have anything like that in the paper?  
  
GUNN: Try the Enquirer.  
  
Willow -   
I'll put it on the computer search. If it's in there, it'll turn up. Anything that'll lead us to vampires.  
  
SPIKE: Try blood.  
  
Xander -   
And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot.  
  
TARA: (as Willow) Well, since you brought it up...  
ANYA: Grr.  
GUNN: (to Anya) Did you just say 'grr'?  
ANYA: I did. And I'll do it again if you all don't stop making fun of Xander.  
GUNN: Um, we're actually making fun of all of them. It's sort of why we're here.  
ANYA: Hmph.  
  
Willow -   
Not like an idiot, just... standing. Buffy doesn't want you getting hurt.  
  
TARA: (as Xander) Oh. Does that mean she cares for me?  
WESLEY: (as Willow) No, not at all.  
  
They stop in front of their next class.  
  
Willow -   
I don't want you getting hurt.  
  
Xander -   
This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uhoh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.  
  
TARA: (as Willow) Of course... because, you know, this whole thing is all about you. Jesse missing-- your fault. Vampire's attacking-- your fault. Buffy being here--  
GUNN: (as Xander) Jesse who?  
TARA: (as Willow) Never mind, dear, go back to it being all about you. You and Buffy have a lot in common.  
GUNN: (as Xander) Oh. Does that mean she cares for me?  
WESLEY: (as Willow) No, not at all.  
  
Willow -   
I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.  
  
Xander -   
Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.  
  
Willow -   
We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.  
  
ALL: ...  
GUNN: (to Anya) *Now* I'm being mean to your boyfriend. He's not very bright, is he?  
ANYA: (defensively) Most of the time he is.  
  
Xander -   
Right. Look, maybe you should get to class. (indicates the door)  
  
Willow -   
You mean 'we'. We should get to class.  
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) Of the two of us, which could stand to miss a few classes? That'd be me.  
  
Xander -   
Yeah.  
  
Willow -   
Buffy'll be okay. Whatever's down there, I think she  
  
WESLEY: (as Willow) ...will try to have sex with it.  
GUNN: (as Xander) Oh, of course. This *is* Buffy we're talking about.  
  
can handle it.  
  
Xander -   
Yeah, I do, too.  
  
Willow -   
So do I!  
  
GUNN: Me too!  
SPIKE: So do I!  
WESLEY: Me as well!  
TARA: And me!  
ANYA: Same here!  
  
Cut to inside the mausoleum. Buffy comes in slowly, looking and listening. She scans around.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Hello? Any men in here? I'm not picky or anything.  
  
Satisfied that no one's there, she walks down the steps to the floor.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Tee hee. I'm in an empty mausoleum during the day, and I'm cutting class. I'm so naughty.  
  
She hears a rat behind her and twists to look toward the sound.  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) I've been in here so long without food... no human companionship... I think it's been long enough to catch a rat and eat it.  
  
She continues and finds the tunnel access. It's locked with a chain. She lifts the lock. Angel appears behind her.  
  
SPIKE: (as Angel) Hey, you're eating all my rats! Stop it. Give 'em back!  
  
Angel - (exhales)  
  
SPIKE: I always knew he was full of hot air.  
WESLEY: And you all say *I* have issues.  
SPIKE: I don't have issues. I just don't like him. There's a difference.  
  
Buffy -   
I don't suppose you've got a key on you?  
  
GUNN: (as Angel) Sure do! But, it's to my apartment. Still want it?  
TARA: (as Buffy) You're useless, you know that?  
GUNN: (as Angel) Huh. That's what everybody keeps telling me.  
  
Angel -   
They really don't like me dropping in.  
Buffy - (faces him)  
Why not?  
  
WESLEY: (as Angel) They think I'm annoying. You don't think I'm annoying, do you? 'Cause, I don't think I am. I'm kinda cool and broody, but never annoying. People always say--  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Get out!  
WESLEY: (as Angel) Yeah! How'd you know?  
  
Angel -   
They really don't like me.  
  
Buffy -   
How could that possibly be?  
  
SPIKE: (as Angel) Well, I'm quite the ass. No really, I am. Seriously.  
TARA: (as Buffy) I believe you.  
SPIKE: (as Angel) No, seriously. I am. Why won't you believe me?  
TARA: (as Buffy) I do.  
SPIKE: (as Angel) Fine then, don't believe me. See if I care.  
  
Angel -   
I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a *little* sooner.  
  
Buffy -   
Sorry you had to wait. (exhales) Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) ...pills, at least share. Or take something that'll put you to sleep. You're annoying.  
WESLEY: (as Angel) You think I'm annoying? They think I'm annoying too. But, I don't think I am. I'm kinda cool and broody, but never--  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Ahhhh!  
  
up with this Cryptic Wise Man act on a regular basis, can you at least tell me your name?  
  
ANYA: (as Angel) No.  
TARA: (as Buffy) No?  
ANYA: (as Angel) No.  
TARA: (as Buffy) No?  
ANYA: (as Angel) No.  
TARA: (as Buffy) No?  
WESLEY: You two really know how to go too far, don't you?  
TARA: Us?  
ANYA: Really?  
TARA: Really?  
TARA: Us?  
WESLEY: (sighs in exasperation)  
  
Angel -   
Angel.  
  
Buffy -   
Angel. It's a pretty name.  
  
SPIKE: (snickers)  
  
She turns to the tunnel entrance.  
  
Angel -   
Don't...  
  
SPIKE: (as Angel) ...move. There's a spider on you.  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Hey! Get your hand off my breasts, you pervert.  
  
go down there.  
  
Buffy - (turns back)  
Deal with my going.  
  
Angel -   
You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest.  
  
ANYA: (as Angel) ...and you have to reap with the rest of the farmers. Don't even think about weasling out of it.  
TARA: (as Buffy) Oh, silly! You don't have anything to worry about. I never think!  
  
Unless you can prevent it, the Master walks.  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Oh, is he stuck in a wheelchair? That's really very sad--  
SPIKE: (growls at Gunn)  
GUNN: You better put those teeth away, vampire.  
ANYA: (dismissively) Spike was in a wheelchair, there was this whole big thing... now he has issues.  
GUNN: Oh. Still... hey, you and Wes have something in common, besides the whole British thing.  
WESLEY: (looks offended) Hardly.  
SPIKE: (snorts) Not likely.  
  
Buffy -   
Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest, why don't *you* stop it?  
  
Angel -   
'Cause I'm afraid.  
  
SPIKE: (bursts out laughing) At least he's honest.  
GUNN: (sideways look at Wesley) Angel afraid? This Master must be more than bad lipstick and even worse leather.  
WESLEY: (nods) He was.  
  
She looks at him for a moment and then spins around quickly, kicking  
  
TARA: ...him in the knee. (as Buffy) I don't like you. You're stupid. And a coward.  
  
open the doors to the tunnel. She turns back to him.  
  
Angel -   
They'll be expecting you.  
  
Buffy -   
I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend?  
  
SPIKE: (still chuckling) Nope, he sure doesn't.  
  
He lowers his eyes as a look of sadness fills them.  
  
WESLEY: ...then he rolls them across the floor, and loses them through a crack in the wall.  
GUNN: (as Angel) My eyes!  
  
Buffy -   
That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.  
  
GUNN: (as Angel) Shut up, and help me find my eyes!  
  
They look at each other a moment longer.  
  
SPIKE: ...Buffy quickly gets freaked out by his eyeless sockets and quietly sneaks away.  
  
Angel -   
When you hit the tunnels head east towards the school. That's where you're likely to find them.  
  
GUNN: She's new to town, never been down there, and probably doesn't know which direction she's facing at the moment, but I bet when she gets down there she'll know exactly which way is east.  
WESLEY: (nods knowingly) Slayer instinct.  
GUNN: Really?  
WESLEY: (scoffs) No.  
  
Buffy -   
You gonna wish me luck?  
  
ANYA: (as Angel) Duh, no! I don't like you.  
  
Angel says nothing. They look at each other for another moment, then Buffy turns and heads into the tunnels. He watches her go.  
  
TARA: (as Angel) Hey... what about my eyes? I can't see to get out of-- ow! There's sun over there. Well, I guess I'll try this way-- ouch! Stupid stairs.  
  
Angel - (whispers)  
Good luck!  
  
Inside the tunnels. Buffy comes down a flight of stairs. She looks around. She hears rats. One crawls across her shoes.  
  
WESLEY: Talk about short. Staccato. Sentences.  
  
She slowly starts down the tunnels. There are lights at regular intervals. When she reaches an intersection, Xander surprises her from behind.  
  
SPIKE: Told you she likes it from behind--  
GUNN: And I told you to stop. We don't need perverted crap from you as well as your company. And since we can't do anything about your company, except kill you, I suggest you stay quiet.  
  
Xander -   
Did you see anything?  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) I saw Angel's eyes roll across the floor.  
TARA: (as Xander) Cool... who's Angel?  
  
Buffy - (exhales in fright)  
Xander, what are you doing here?!  
  
Xander -   
Something stupid.  
  
ALL BUT ANYA: Well, duh!  
  
I followed you.  
  
Buffy -   
Well, you...  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) ...*are* in love with me, of course, so I'll forgive you.  
Xander - (interrupts)  
I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing.  
  
Buffy -   
I understand. Now, go away!  
  
Xander -   
No!  
  
Buffy -   
Xander, you're gonna have to.  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) No!  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) But... I told you to go. You're supposed to go, 'cause I'm the boss and stuff. Why aren't you obeying me? Obey me, damn it!  
  
Xander -   
Look, Jesse's my bud, okay? If I can help him  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) ...die a horrible, painful death, then I'm damn well gonna do it.  
  
out, that's what I gotta do.  
  
Buffy considers,  
  
TARA: ...staking him, but doesn't think he's worth the effort of possibly breaking a nail.  
  
then nods her head for him to follow. She starts down the tunnel again.  
  
Xander -   
Besides, it's this or chem class.  
  
Cut to them reaching the top of some stairs.  
  
ANYA: (as Xander) Ha ha. I got here first. You're It!  
  
Xander -   
Okay, so, crosses, garlic, stake through the heart.  
  
Buffy -   
That'll get it done.  
  
Xander -   
Cool! Of course,  
  
SPIKE: (as Xander) ...I'll probably piss my pants and run screaming the other way before I think to use them, but, it's nice to have the knowledge.  
  
I don't actually have any of those things.  
  
Buffy - (hands him a cross)  
Good thinking.  
  
Xander -   
Well,  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) ...nobody told me that being your friend entailed thinking. You're on your own now. I'm outta here.  
  
the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is still busy telling me not to come down here. I have this, though.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Xander, zip your pants back up!  
WESLEY/GUNN: (snicker)  
  
(turns on a flashlight)  
  
Buffy -   
Turn that off!  
  
Xander - (turns it off)  
Okay! Okay! So, what else?  
  
Buffy -   
What else what?  
  
TARA: (as Xander) What other ingredients go into a cake? Duh.  
  
Xander -   
For vampire slayage.  
  
Buffy -   
Oh, fire, beheading, sunlight, holy water, the usual.  
  
Xander -   
You've done some beheading in your time?  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Sure! Who hasn't?  
  
Buffy -   
Oh, yeah. There was this  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...one time, in band camp!  
OTHERS: O_O  
SPIKE: Don't sit there acting like you didn't see it.  
  
time I was pinned down by this guy that played left tackle for varsity... Well, at least he used to before he was a vampire... Anyway, he had this really, really thick  
  
SPIKE: ...di--  
GUNN: (sighs) Spike.  
SPIKE: (laughs) Well, sure, you could call it a Spike if you wanted to.  
  
neck, and all I had was a little, little ExactO knife...  
  
Xander laughs nervously.  
  
Buffy -   
You're not loving this story.  
  
ANYA: (as Xander) Yes, I am. Because, I'm manly and tough. I... fear nothing.  
OTHERS: O_O  
ANYA: He needed defending, I stand by my words.  
  
Xander -   
No, actually, I find it oddly comforting.  
  
Cut to the library. Giles is reading from a volume.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles reading) 'See Spot run. Run, Spot, run.' I did it, I got through the *whole* book on my own!  
  
Giles -   
'For they will gather and be gathered. From the Vessel pours life.' P... Pours life...  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) This book is stupid. I want more of Spot. He rules!  
  
He turns the page back to the picture of Satan feeding power to a man.  
  
TARA: (as Satan) That's right, bubby, eat it all. There you go. You're such a big boy.  
OTHERS: O_O  
  
Giles -   
'On the night of the crescent moon, the first past the solstice it will come...'  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...'and it will bring bad stuff. And evil things, not to mention, horrible situations.'  
  
Of course. That's tonight!  
  
Cut to the computer lab. Cordelia is struggling with her computer programming assignment.  
  
WESLEY/GUNN: I'm shocked.  
  
Cordelia -   
No! It's supposed to find the syntax and match it. Or wait...  
  
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) ...maybe it's supposed to take dirty pictures of me in compromising positions... these computer things are so confusing.  
  
Harmony -   
Are we going to the Bronze tonight?  
  
SPIKE: Ah hell!  
TARA: (snidely) Something wrong?  
SPIKE: (glares at her) Shut up.  
  
Cordelia -   
No, we're going to the other cool place in Sunnydale.  
  
ANYA: (as Cordelia) ...the Kwiki Mart, duh!  
  
Harmony looks confused.  
  
ALL: I'm shocked.  
  
Cordelia -   
Of course we're going to the Bronze. Friday night? No cover?  
  
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) …duh, anytime I don't have to wear clothes, I'm there.  
ANYA: (as Harmony) Um, 'no cover' doesn't mean topless… um, does it? 'Cause I was never really sure about that. There was this one time when I showed up at a carnival without a top and-- well, never mind.  
  
But you should have been there last night. 'Cause I ran into Buffy...  
  
ANYA: (as Harmony) Ow, that must've hurt and stuff.  
  
Willow overhears the conversation.  
  
Cordelia -   
...and can she be any  
  
GUNN: (as Cordelia) …sexier? I was completely digging that whole 'in charge' vibe she was putting out.  
WESLEY: (to Gunn) That was disturbing.  
  
weirder? She attacked me! Do you believe it?  
  
TARA: (as Harmony) Absolutely. You're annoying. I'd attack you if I thought I could get away with it. Go away from me, you're a pest.  
  
Harmony - (exhales)  
I think we did this part wrong.  
  
Cordelia -   
Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for?  
  
GUNN: See, if she'd only paid attention during this class, she'd know how to use the computer better now.  
WESLEY: (chuckles) Doubtful.  
  
(whispers, indicating Willow) What'd she do?  
  
Harmony looks at Willow's screen. She's surfing a newspaper archive website.  
  
Harmony - (to Cordelia)  
Uh, she's doing something else.  
  
SPIKE: (as Harmony) …looks like porn. Ooo, and apparently she's into… vampires and bondage?  
TARA: (to Spike) Keep your fantasies to yourself.  
  
Cordelia -   
Okay, and then pattern run, right? Or go to end? That's it!  
  
Harmony -   
Maybe!  
  
Cordelia -   
So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! 'I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!' I swear!  
  
ANYA: (as Harmony) Oh, my God! You came out of the bathroom?!  
WESLEY: (as Cordelia) Um, you're missing the whole point of the story. See she came at me, with a stick, screaming about how she was going to kill me.  
ANYA: (as Harmony) I so totally cannot believe you came out of the bathroom! That's just so… wow. I am in awe of you.  
WESLEY: (as Cordelia) Unh-huh. Whatever.  
  
Boy -   
Who?  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) What?  
  
Cordelia -   
Buffy!  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) Where?  
  
Harmony -   
The new girl?  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) Who?  
  
Boy -   
What's her deal?  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) Huh?  
  
Cordelia -   
Well, she's crazed.  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) Who?  
  
Harmony -   
Did you hear about her old school?  
  
Cordelia and the boy both shake their heads.  
  
TARA: (as Harmony, dramatically) It was… made of tan brick and built before the seventies! EW!  
ANYA: (as Cordelia) No way!  
GUNN: (as boy) You lie!  
  
Harmony -   
Booted.  
  
Cordelia -   
Well, I exhibit no  
  
SPIKE: (as Cordelia) …brains whatsoever. How did I ever make it past the first grade?  
  
surprise.  
  
Boy -   
Why was she kicked out?  
  
GUNN: (as Harmony) Of where? I'm confused.  
  
Cordelia -   
Uh, because she's a psycho loony!  
  
Willow - (interjects)  
No, she's not.  
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) …she's a psycho bitch, not a psycho loony. Get it straight.  
  
Cordelia -   
What?  
  
Willow - (turns to them)  
She's not a psycho. You don't even know her.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) ...and if you did, you'd realize she's a bitch, not a loon.  
  
Cordelia -   
Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?  
  
TARA: (as Willow) I think it was God. Or my parents, or something.  
  
Willow turns away, eyes down.  
  
Cordelia -   
Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring.  
  
SPIKE: I'm surprised Willow's not getting revenge on that bitch every day of her life with her magick.  
TARA: Willow's not like that. She's above revenge.  
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Ohhh. I see.  
  
Willow gets up and goes to get her printouts.  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) You love me, don't you printouts?  
  
Harmony -   
Okay, I think the program's done.  
  
VOICE: (snickering) Actually, there's another half hour or so.  
OTHERS: (groan)  
  
Cordelia -   
Finally the nightmare ends! Okay, so how do we save it?  
  
Willow -   
Deliver.  
  
Cordelia -   
Deliver? Where's that? (searches the keyboard) Oh!  
  
SPIKE: (laughing) Above revenge, huh? Right. Got ya.  
  
She hits the "Del" key, and her program disappears. She stares at the screen in wide-eyed, open-mouthed horror.  
  
WESLEY: Not an unusual look for her.  
GUNN: Not at all unusual.  
  
  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATED HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
Cut to the tunnels.  
  
Buffy -   
They're close.  
  
Xander -   
How can you tell?  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) I can smell them. They have a very distinctive odor.  
GUNN: (as Xander) The stench of death?  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Nah, they all use the same soap, duh!  
GUNN: (as Xander) Oh, of course.  
  
Buffy -   
No more rats.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...and I'm starving. Guess I'll have to eat you.  
  
Xander turns on his flashlight and spots Jesse on the ground.  
  
ANYA: (as Xander) Are you blind, Buffy? There's a rat right there. Ew, and look at its glowing red, beady eyes.  
TARA: (as Buffy) I thought he was your friend.  
ANYA: (as Xander) Never liked him much.  
  
Xander -   
Jesse!  
  
Buffy -   
Oh, no!  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...you've alerted him to out presence. Quick, run.  
  
Jesse reacts and jumps up.  
  
GUNN: (as Jesse) Hey, wait for me! I wanna come too. Please let me come with you, I promise I won't annoy you like I did the last two people who came along. They were going to help me escape, but then for some reason they just took off running. I think I talked too much. Do you think I talk too much? They yelled at me to shut up as they ran screaming from me, so maybe I should just stop talking and--  
OTHERS: Please do!  
  
Xander -   
J-J-Jesse!  
  
GUNN: Ahh, isn't that cute? White boy's trying to rap.  
  
Jesse -   
Xander!  
  
The two boys embrace.  
  
SPIKE: Always knew he had a thing for guys--  
ANYA: Shut up, Spike. You know... why you aren't more popular is a complete mystery to me. I just don't get it.  
OTHERS: (agree)  
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)  
  
Xander -   
Jesse, man, are you  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) ...touching my butt?  
SPIKE: (laughs)  
  
okay?  
  
Jesse -   
I am not  
  
WESLEY: (as Jesse) ...touching your butt, pervert! You're the one with his hand on my--  
GUNN: (to Wesley) Xander issues too?  
WESLEY: No. He's just fun to mess with.  
  
okay, on an *epic* scale.  
  
Buffy shines the light on the  
  
WESLEY: ...couple as they kiss. (as Buffy) Xander! Like, I totally wanted him, you man hog.  
  
shackles around Jesse's ankle.  
  
Jesse -   
We gotta get outta here!  
  
Xander -   
It's cool, Buffy's a superhero.  
  
ANYA: (as Xander) ...she's really a man under all that hair and make-up. Cool, huh?  
  
Buffy -   
Hold on...  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I'm a man? Wow. I had no idea. Is that why I have this penis?  
WESLEY/GUNN: (snort with laughter)  
  
(breaks the shackles)  
  
Xander -   
Do you think anyone heard that?  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) Heard what? That we're big wimps and a woman has to rescue us? No, I'm sure no one heard about that.  
  
They see shadows moving on the walls and start to run down the tunnel.  
  
SPIKE: There's a Shadow Demon in Sunnydale?  
WESLEY: (startled) What? Why was I never told about this? I was an official member of the Watcher's Council, I deserved to know that a Shadow Demon was lurking around. Damn that Giles, and his stupid Slayer.  
OTHERS: O_O  
GUNN: Um--  
WESLEY: Yes, I have issues.  
ANYA: (sighs in annoyance) There's no Shadow Demon in Sunnydale. Hello, no victims have been reported in the three years I've been there.  
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. There is that.  
WESLEY: (calming down a bit) Of course. Right. You're right.  
GUNN: Actually, that 'um' back there wasn't about issues, it was about what the hell is a Shadow Demon?  
TARA: Ditto.  
VOICE: Stop that! This isn't story time! Well... ok, it actually is... but I meant-- oh just finish already. People are becoming impatient for the rest of this... oops.  
  
  
_____________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
They all jumped up from their seats, staring at each other silently. Finally, Anya spun around, looking at the walls before saying what all of them were thinking. "What's she talking about? Is someone watching us?"  
  
"Good question," Gunn said tautly, looking like he was ready to take on a legion of demons.  
  
Tara did her share of looking nervously around before whispering, "Are we being watched?"  
  
Spike and Wesley were eyeing the room just as much as the rest, but they were more subtle. Spike lit a cigarette and slowly circled the room, looking for all the world like he was out for a stroll.  
  
The woman's voice didn't so much boom as they were used to it doing, it actually sounded pathetically nervous and worrisome. "Sit down. No one's watching you except me. And not in an icky way so get your minds out of the gutter. I know what you're thinking. I'm just conducting a test. I was curious about some things, and... I mean, um, sit down! Please."  
  
Tara, Spike, and Anya frowned at each other for a split second before all three of them yelled, "Willow?!"  
  
Wesley and Gunn shook their heads. "That's Cordelia," Wesley told them.  
  
"No, it's not," Gunn said with a chuckle, "that's Anne."  
  
"Who?" Spike asked, then shook his head. "Forget it. It's Willow, not Cordelia or this Anne bird. I'd recognize that rambling anywhere."  
  
"Rambling?" Wesley shrugged in confusion. "I didn't hear any rambling. I heard Cordelia ordering us... wait. I get it."  
  
Gunn nodded in agreement. "Great. Explain it for the rest of us then, would ya?"  
  
Spike sighed, dropping his cigarette to the floor and stomping on it. "Pretty obvious, isn't it? Whoever has us here is playing with us, making us think the voice belongs to someone we know. Willow for us," he gestured to himself, Anya and Tara, then to Wesley, "The stuck-up bitch for him, and Anne for you."  
  
"Yeah, I got that part. I'm a little fuzzy on the why of it though."  
  
Spike shrugged in irritation. "I don't know. I'm not the one responsible for us being here."  
  
Tara pushed away from the wall she'd been practically cowering against. "How do we know that? Maybe you are the reason we're here--"  
  
Spike sighed and sat down. "I'm not going through a big old blame-fest with you all. Let's just get it done, and whatever happens afterward, happens."  
  
"Yeah," the Voice agreed. "What he said."  
  
The others sighed and looked at each other, fidgeted a bit, then finally sat back down.  
  
"Fine," Anya said, "but if I get killed after this is over, I'm going to come back just to haunt you. And I can too, I have connections."  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Vampires come around the corner. Cut to Xander, Buffy and Jesse in another part of the tunnel.  
  
Jesse -   
They knew you were gonna come. They said that I... I was the bait.  
  
WESLEY: (as Jesse) ...and I told them that it was my fondest wish to be bait, and that I had this fantasy with a cow, but they didn't want to hear it. Just tied me up here, and left me to my own devices... hey, you didn't happen to bring a cow, did you?  
  
Xander -   
Oh, great, now you tell us.  
  
TARA: (as Xander) ...if I'd known you had the cow fantasy too, I'd have brought one.  
ANYA: You two are very disturbing. And leave Xander out of it. He has no fantasies about cattle.  
  
They round a corner and are met by vampires.  
  
Buffy -   
Oops!  
  
GUNN: Oops? She runs into vampires and says oops? Wow, I feel safer with her protecting the world.  
  
Jesse -   
Oh, no, no, no, no!  
  
Buffy -   
Do you know another way out?  
  
WESLEY: (as Jesse) Why yes, it just so happens that I know these tunnels like the back of my hand. Isn't that weird?  
  
Jesse -   
I dunno. Maybe. C'mon!  
  
WESLEY: (snorts in disbelief)  
  
They run. At another intersection they see glowing eyes to their right.  
  
TARA: (as Xander) Eek! Rats! Kill them, Buffy!  
ANYA: (as Buffy) *Kill* them? I'm gonna *eat* them!  
  
Jesse -   
Wait, wait. They brought me through here, there, there should be a  
  
GUNN: (as Jesse) ...big sign on my head that says, 'Trap! Leave now while you can!'.  
SPIKE: (scoffs) You think? Really?  
GUNN: (chuckles) Nah, I'm probably wrong.  
  
way up. I hope!  
  
Jesse leads them into a chamber.  
  
GUNN: (as Jesse) Check it out, it's all mine. I got it real cheap, they practically gave it away. But it's my chamber now... all mine. A few throw rugs... some curtains... it'll be homey.  
  
Buffy -   
I don't think this is the way out!  
  
Xander -   
We can't fight our way back through those things. What do we do?  
  
Jesse -   
I got an idea.  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) Let's play house! Come on, it'll be fun!  
  
(vamps out) You can die!  
  
SPIKE: I'm shocked.  
GUNN: Me too.  
  
In the chamber.  
  
Xander -   
Jesse, man. I'm sorry.  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) ...I didn't tell you earlier, but... I love you! Marry me, dude!  
OTHERS: O_O  
  
Jesse -   
Sorry?  
  
WESLEY: (as Jesse) I didn't quite catch that. Did you just propose to me, you freak?  
GUNN: (as Xander) Uh... yeah?  
SPIKE: (as Jesse) As if!  
WESLEY: (to Spike) You know, we Brits really can't pull off that whole Valley Girl thing. Please never try again.  
SPIKE: (offended) What about that whole thing you and Gunn did back in the beginning?  
WESLEY: Well, okay, *you* can't pull it off.  
SPIKE: (mutters under his breath)  
  
I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I'm connected, man, to everything!  
  
TARA: (as Xander) Ooo, really? Could you get me a car real cheap? You know, with your connections? And, um, a puppy too. I always wanted a puppy. Puppies are so cool.  
ANYA: (as Jesse) Dude, I'm trying to kill you here.  
TARA: (as Xander) ...and your point is...?  
  
Buffy begins struggling with the door, trying to close it.  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Unh, oh, this door is so heavy. I can't close it... I'm such a wimpy girly-girl. (as himself) What's the deal?  
VOICE: It's called drama and suspense, now shut up.  
  
Jesse -   
I, I can hear the worms in the earth!  
  
ALL: (look at Spike)  
SPIKE: Yes.  
ALL: Neat.  
  
Xander -   
That's a plus.  
  
SPIKE: (to Xander) You think so? Try sleeping on a really quiet day. Or night. Either way? Pretty much screwed.  
  
Jesse -   
I know what the Master wants. I'll serve his  
  
GUNN: (as Jesse) ...entire family pudding, because I am now his servant. I'm *so* cool!  
  
purpose. That means you die. And I feed.  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) So! Who's got the yogurt? You *did* bring it didn't you? Didn't you?! I can't live without my yogurt. Ha ha, get it. Can't live... without, can't-- humor's wasted on you, isn't it?  
  
Buffy - (looks back at them)  
Xander, the cross!  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) ...the one we all have to bear? This is it. Die, so I can stay alive!  
ANYA: (glares at Gunn) (as Buffy) ...do the cross-stitch!  
  
He holds the cross up to Jesse's face. Jesse steps back and growls.  
  
GUNN: (as Jesse) Rowr.  
  
Xander -   
Jesse, man. We're buds, don't you remember?  
  
Jesse -   
You're like a shadow to me now.  
  
ANYA: So he's all... dark and translucent?  
  
Xander -   
Then get outta my face.  
  
WESLEY: Rather fickle, aren't they?  
  
Jesse knocks Xander's arm to the side, making him  
  
GUNN: ...accidentally fall on a stake and explode into ashes. Buffy gets away and saves the world... the end?  
  
hit the wall. He jumps to the other side of the room, facing Xander.  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) Aha! Now come here... we have some 'got your nose' to play. There's no more getting out of it. Time to face the music.  
  
Buffy grabs him from behind and throws him  
  
WESLEY: ...a bone. (as Buffy) Good boy, stay. Stay.  
  
out of the chamber into the advancing vampires, knocking them all down,  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) A strike *and* a spare! My lucky night.  
  
and goes back to trying to close the door.  
  
WESLEY: Oh, here we go again. She's a Slayer, certainly she's strong enough to close one blasted door.  
  
Buffy - (to Xander)  
Help me!  
  
SPIKE: Apparently not.  
  
Xander jumps up  
  
SPIKE: ...and poses in as manly a fashion as he can. (as Xander) I will help you, for I am... Brainless Boy! Fear me.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Like, whatever.  
  
to help, and together they get it  
  
SPIKE: ...on.  
  
to move. They close it on a vampire's  
  
SPIKE: ...penis.  
  
arm. The vampire pulls its  
  
Spike: ...penis.  
  
arm back out of the door, and Buffy  
  
SPIKE: ...whimpers and whines because she *wanted* the penis in there.  
OTHERS: (try not to laugh)  
  
slams it shut and closes the latch. The vampires begin pounding on the  
  
SPIKE: ...penis.  
  
door.  
  
Buffy -   
We need to get out of here!  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...that penis is getting away!  
OTHERS: (snicker)  
  
Xander -   
There is no  
  
ANYA: (as Xander) ...penis out there! You're hallucinating! Going insane. We've been trapped in here for twenty minutes... alone... no food... no companionship...  
TARA: (as Buffy) You're right. I'm starving... um, come here... just a little closer. Did I ever show you my nice, pointy, wooden stake.  
ANYA: (as Xander) Buffy! What are you doing?! Quit licking me!  
  
out of here!  
  
He uses his flashlight to look around and spots a  
  
GUNN: ...giraffe.  
WESLEY: (as giraffe) ...hi.  
  
grate in the ceiling.  
  
Xander -   
Up there!  
  
Buffy leaps on top of a  
  
SPIKE: ...man passing nearby.  
ANYA: (as man) Damn, lady, back off.  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Can I borrow your penis?  
GUNN: (to spike) You're crossing that line again.  
SPIKE: So? Not like anyone's here but us. (loudly) Right?!  
VOICE: (meekly) Um, yes? I mean, yes. That's right. Exactly.  
  
barrel and begins to pry the grate open. The vampires have started to bend  
  
TARA: ...and stretch in anticipation of a fight. They do leg stretches and knee bends, followed by a short sprint down the sewer tunnels. Finally, they're ready to face Biffy, the Clown Slayer. She who will bring about less pies in face, and better comedic acts. She alone, facing the evilest clowns out there, will most likely emerge victorious. But if she doesn't... oops.  
  
in a corner of the door. They twist it and push it in further. Buffy gets the grate open.  
  
Buffy -   
Go!  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) ...Xander. Go, be free. Fly away, little sidekick.  
  
She helps Xander crawl up into a ventilation duct. A vampire starts to  
  
ANYA: ...do a crazy dance, hoping to catch her attention, but alas, there was nothing shiny nearby, therefore Biffy was not interested.  
  
struggle through the bent corner of the door. He reaches in and pulls  
  
WESLEY: ...her hair.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Ow.  
  
the latch open as Xander gets through the grate. Buffy follows him quickly  
  
ANYA: ...watching his butt because he's so sexy that she can't resist. But, she can't have him.  
SPIKE: Right.  
GUNN: Uh-huh.  
WESLEY: Okay.  
TARA: Nifty.  
  
as the first vampire enters the chamber. He follows them through the grate into the duct. Xander and Buffy crawl like mad.  
  
ALL: ...  
SPIKE: I feel like I *should* say something here, I'm just not sure *what* I should say.  
  
He finds a ladder up to a manhole and starts climbing the rungs. Buffy follows.  
  
ANYA: ...still watching his butt, because it's so irresistible and cute and--  
GUNN: We get it. (shudders) And we'll probably never recover.  
  
The vampire is right behind them. Xander pushes open the manhole cover and climbs out into  
  
SPIKE: ...a busy street, and gets hit by ten cars barreling down the road. Tough luck, Xander. So sorry for your loss, Anya.  
  
daylight. He turns  
  
SPIKE: ...and gets hit in the head by a bat-wielding maniac. Them's the breaks, Kid. Again, Anya, sorry for your loss.  
  
to help Buffy out. The vampire grabs her ankle and tries to pull her back down.  
  
Buffy -   
Xander, pull!  
  
TARA: (as Xander) Um, duh, Buffy, the vampire is doing that. You mean 'push' don't you? Duh.  
  
He pulls on her, and the vampire's hand is exposed to the  
  
WESLEY: ...noxious fumes pouring out of Xander's mouth.  
ANYA: Unless you want more Xander-butt stuff, I suggest you all stop now.  
ALL: Stopping!  
  
sunlight and burns. The vampire lets go, and they tumble backward  
  
GUNN: ...down a cliff where they land on the bottom and explode.  
  
to the ground.  
  
Cut to the Master's lair.  
  
Master -   
She escaped?  
  
TARA: (as random vamp) Uh, no, duh, she's right here. She's... invisible. Pretty cool, huh?  
  
She walks free when I should be drinking  
  
WESLEY: (as Master) ...Kool-Aid and getting more of a stained mouth? But, how is this possible?  
  
her heart's blood right now?  
  
GUNN: Ok, gross. (to Spike) Do you guys actually do that?  
SPIKE: Well...  
GUNN: Y'all are nasty, man.  
  
Careless...  
  
Colin -   
Master, we had her  
  
TARA: (as Colin) ...pet boy, but she outsmarted us.  
ANYA: (as Master) Not too terribly hard to do. Next time hold up something shiny, she'll be distracted for at least an hour.  
  
trapped!  
  
Master -   
Oh, are you going to make excuses?  
  
Colin remains silent.  
  
TARA: (as Master) Oh... don't pout. I just can't stay mad at you. Come here... group hug!  
  
Master -   
You are all weak.  
  
WESLEY: (as Colin) Well, there's no need to be insulting. Let's not get personal, okay?  
GUNN: (as Master) Um, hello, sort of our whole image, being evil, and all.  
  
It has been too long since you have  
  
ANYA: (as Master) ...bathed. Try it this century why don't you? They've got new soaps and everything.  
  
faced the Slayer. Huh. It is no matter to me. She will not stop  
  
SPIKE: (as Master) ...the evil reign of... Kool-Aid Mouth!  
  
the Harvest. Just means there'll be someone worth killing... when I reach the surface. Is Luke ready?  
  
WESLEY: (as Master, effeminately) ...we have a date. He's taking me out to that new restaurant that just opened in the sewer tunnel down the way... oh, I do hope he isn't late. I hate waiting.  
  
Colin -   
He waits.  
  
WESLEY: (as Master, effeminately) Oh, goody! I can't wait to see if he kisses me goodnight or not.  
  
Master -   
It's time.  
  
WESLEY: (as Master, effeminately) ...it's time! Oh, goodness, I'm so nervous. I have butterflies in my tummy... I wish I hadn't eaten that Englishman earlier. What if I ralph on him? The night will be ruined!  
GUNN: That was disturbing.  
SPIKE: Yes it was.  
ANYA: Cute though.  
TARA: Oh, yeah. Cute.  
  
Bring him to me.  
  
WESLEY: (as Master, effeminately) ...I just can't make my feet move to go to him. Bring him here and... (breathlessly) then leave us alone.  
GUNN: Disturbing and done?  
SPIKE: Great question.  
ANYA: But still cute.  
TARA: Uh-huh.  
  
Colin turns to go get Luke.  
  
Master -   
Ah, Colin... (Colin turns back) You failed me. Tell me you're sorry.  
  
SPIKE: (as Colin) Damn, mate, I only just now left to go get him, at least give me a chance to fail before you tell me I failed. Bloody bastard.  
ANYA: (to Spike) You say that an awful lot.  
SPIKE: (agrees) Yeah, I do. Just can't seem to stop saying it though.  
  
Colin -   
I'm sorry!  
  
Master -   
There. That wasn't so bad, was it? Hold on...  
  
TARA: (as Master) ...don't go away mad. Give us a hug!  
  
He stabs his finger into Colin's face.  
  
GUNN: (cringes) Man, that was sick.  
SPIKE: I'd have to agree with you there. Eyeballs just... (shudders) gross me out.  
WESLEY: You have eyeball issues? (laughs to himself) So much for the 'Big Bad'.  
GUNN: (bursts out laughing) The Big Bad? What the hell kind of a nickname is that? I'd kill anyone who dared call me that to my face if I were you.  
ANYA: (helpfully) He calls himself that. It's *his* nickname.  
TARA: (smugly) For himself.  
GUNN: (trying not to laugh) Oh, no, man, that's a cool name. Really. (snickers)  
SPIKE: Eat me. All of you. Better yet, I'll eat you, how's that?  
OTHERS: (roll their eyes)  
  
Master -   
You've got something in your eye.  
  
Cut to the library where Giles is still  
  
SPIKE: ...trying to get through See Spot Run.  
  
doing his research. He hears someone come in.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles, loudly) '...philosophical discussions on poetic--' oh, it's just you. 'See Spot. Run, Spot, run.'  
  
Giles -   
Buffy?  
  
Willow -   
It's just me. So there's no word?  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Um, actually there are lots of words. 'cause, see, Spot runs, and you get to see it as he does! Look!  
TARA: (as Willow) Oh. Neat. But, um, I meant there's no word... or information on Buffy?  
  
Giles -   
Ah, not as yet, no.  
  
Willow -   
Well, I-I'm sure they're...   
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) ...getting it on. No need to worry about that.  
  
great.  
  
Giles -   
Did you find anything of interest?  
  
ANYA: (as anya) Let's see... there was you, and a library... nope. Not really.  
  
Willow -   
I think, maybe...   
  
WESLEY: (as Willow) ...well, you're old and oogie, and if the others don't have the guts to say it, I will; See Spot Run is a dumb book. See Jane is much better. You're a dummy head.  
  
I surfed through the old newspapers  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) ...but they got wet and fell apart. So I decided to use the internet instead. Much less messy.  
  
around the time of that big earthquake back in '37? And for several months before there were a rash of murders. (hands him her printouts)  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Um, 'Big-Breasted Babes' and 'Ladies with Lusty Legs'...? How does this help exactly?  
TARA: (as Willow) Oops! How did those get in there?  
ANYA: (to Tara) You're helping them insult Willow?  
TARA: No. There was no insult there. And besides... if you can't beat 'em... join 'em.  
  
Giles -   
Great!  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) I love big-breasted babes and ladies with lusty legs too!  
  
I-I mean, well, not, not 'great' in a good way, uh, um, uh, go on?  
  
Willow -   
Well, they sound like the kind you were looking for. (flips through the pages)  
  
GUNN: (as Willow) ...'See Spot Run, the Revised Edition' and 'See Spot Dance With Bimbos' ... huh. I've never heard of that one.  
  
Throats, blood... (looks squeamish)  
  
SPIKE: (looks hungry)  
  
Giles -   
It's all coming together. I rather wish it weren't.  
  
Cut to the Master's lair.  
  
WESLEY: No. I don't want to.  
GUNN: Doesn't look like we have a choice.  
  
Luke approaches the Master and kneels before him. The Master offers his hand. Luke takes it and kisses it.  
  
SPIKE: Yeah, quite a familiar position for those two, I'll bet. And I'll also bet it's not his hand he's used to kissing.  
GUNN: You're point being?  
SPIKE: They're poofs just like Angel.  
GUNN: First off, I don't think Angel's gay. Second off, so what if they are?  
SPIKE: I could care less if they are or not. But I reserve the right to make fun of them. So bugger off.  
  
He releases it and the Master turns it over to offer the underside of his wrist. Darla is watching and smiles.  
  
WESLEY: Voyeuristic too. Figures.  
  
Luke opens the cuff of the Master's sleeve and pulls it back.  
  
ANYA: (as Luke) Ew, gross! You have vein-y wrists.  
  
He takes his hand again, sinks his fangs into the wrist above it and drinks of the blood. He releases the hand,  
  
TARA: ...dropping it to the ground in disgust. (as Luke) Dude, your hand just fell off!  
  
and the Master takes it back.  
  
WESLEY: (as Master) It happens occasionally... don't worry about it. It snaps right back on. See? Ow.  
  
Master -   
My blood is your blood. My soul is your soul.  
  
TARA: (as Luke) You're gross, old man!  
  
Luke -   
My body is your instrument.  
  
SPIKE: (as Master, effeminately) Oh! You mean it? I was hoping you'd say that. Let's go to my room, Luke, I have candles and champagne set up.  
  
The Master steps down to Luke and begins to  
  
SPIKE: Damn, right there in front of everyone?  
GUNN: (annoyed) Shut up already.  
  
draw a three-pointed star on Luke's forehead with the blood still flowing from his wrist.  
  
Master -   
On this... most hallowed night... we are as one. Luke is the Vessel!  
  
WESLEY: Ah, isn't that sweet? They just got married. And now Luke's pregnant. They're going to be parents!  
GUNN: Not you too.  
SPIKE: He started it anyway, way back there, so if you want to bitch at anyone, bitch at him.  
  
Darla's smile widens.  
  
ANYA: ...taking over her whole face until there's nothing left but hair and a giant smile.  
  
Master -   
Every soul he takes will feed me.  
  
TARA: (as Master) Mmm, beefy.  
  
And their souls will grant me the strength to free myself. Tonight I shall walk  
  
WESLEY: (as Master) ...with the Dinosaurs! That show is *so* cool! My favorite is the big one with the teeny tiny arms. Ooo, and the three-horned ones. Oh, and also that green guy with the brown face and orange back.  
  
the Earth, and the stars themselves will hide!  
  
Cut to the library. Willow is looking at  
  
SPIKE: ...Giles, wondering if she can get away with bludgeoning him to death as he prattles on and on about Spot and his running.  
  
one of Giles' volumes. She hears the door open and looks up to see  
  
GUNN: ...a giraffe.  
WESLEY: (as giraffe) ...hi.  
VOICE: No repeats! It gets boring.  
  
Xander and Buffy come in.  
  
Willow -   
Did you find  
  
ANYA: (as Willow) ...Subway? I'm starving. I don't want to eat rats anymore.  
  
Jesse?  
  
Xander -   
Yeah.  
  
Willow -   
Was he dead?  
  
GUNN: Sounds like wishful thinking on her part.  
  
Buffy -   
Worse. (sits at the end of the table) I'm sorry, Willow. We were too late.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) ...Jesse was engaged in shenanigans with several cows and a can of paint... it was horrifying... just sickening.  
  
And they were waiting for us.  
  
Willow -   
At least you two are okay.  
  
WESLEY: (as Willow) Like, oh well, I didn't like him much anyway. He was annoying, he talked too much.  
  
Xander violently kicks a waste basket. Buffy is startled.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) I am startled.  
  
Xander -   
I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.  
  
GUNN: That's a bright man.  
WESLEY: Extremely.  
  
Buffy - (turns to Giles)  
So, Giles!  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I'm free for the rest of the day. Wanna have sex?  
  
Got anything that can make this day any worse?  
  
He goes over to the whiteboard and puts down his pen.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Well, it seems the Little Golden Books are no longer available, and I have Herpes!  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Forget that sex offer then.  
  
Giles -   
How about the end of the world?  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Even better!  
  
Buffy -   
Knew I could count on you.  
  
Giles -   
This is what we know. Some sixty years ago, a very old, very powerful  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...clown killed lots of people and then went on a comedic rampage.  
TARA: (as Willow) Oh, the horror!  
  
vampire came to this shore, not just to feed.  
  
Buffy -   
He came 'cause this town's a mystical who's it.  
  
GUNN: Just to reiterate; I feel real safe with her out there.  
  
Giles -   
Yes. The Spanish who first settled here called it 'Boca del Infierno'. Roughly translated,  
  
ANYA: (as Giles) ...'Big Stinky Land'.  
  
'Hellmouth'. It's a sort of, um, portal between this reality and the next. This vampire hopes to open it.  
  
Buffy -   
Bring the demons back.  
  
Xander -   
End of the world.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) That about covers it. You don't need me... so I'll just be going. I have some big-breasted babes to find. Ta.  
  
Willow -   
But he blew  
  
SPIKE: (as Willow) ...the wrong guy and--  
GUNN: Far enough.  
  
it! Or, I mean, there was an earthquake that swallowed half the town, and him, too.  
  
ANYA: Wow. She sounded really happy about that. I'll bet a lot of people died too.  
TARA: (frowns) She didn't mean it like that. And-- Xander's stupid.  
ANYA: Hey. I didn't-- yeah? Well Willow's lusting after Buffy!  
GUYS: O_O  
SPIKE: All right, catfight.  
TARA: (scoffs) I don't think so.  
ANYA: (scoffs) Not likely.  
GUNN: You're through? Just like that? That was quick.  
ANYA/TARA: (shrug)  
  
Giles -   
You see, opening dimensional portals is a tricky business. Odds are he got himself stuck, rather like a, uh,  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...thingy that gets stuck in something... or something.  
  
cork in a bottle.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...yeah, one of them.  
  
Xander -   
And this Harvest thing is to get him out.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Why doesn't someone just pull real hard?  
  
Giles -   
It comes once in a century, on this night.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) What does?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) The Harvest.  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh.  
  
The Master can draw power from one of his minions while it feeds.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) When?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) During the Harvest.  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh.  
  
Enough power to break free and open the portal.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) What portal?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) The one opened during the Harvest!  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh.  
  
The minion is called the Vessel, and he bears this symbol.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) What symbol?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Give me a chance to show you, damn it!  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh. (beat) Show me what?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Buffy... let me borrow that stake for a second, hmm?  
  
He draws a three-pointed star on the whiteboard.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) What's that?  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Die, Buffy! Die!  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh. (beat) Why?  
  
Buffy -   
So, I dust anyone sporting that symbol, and no Harvest.  
  
Giles -   
Simply put, yes.  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) ...but I had this thirty minute speech explaining things. And a few visuals too. But, sure, go ahead and just say, 'I dust anyone sporting that symbol'... meanie!  
  
Buffy -   
Any idea where this little get-together is being held?  
  
Giles -   
There, there are a number of possibilities.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) There *are* three buildings in this town, you know! I can't know which one they'll choose! Stop pressuring me!  
  
Xander -   
They're goin' to the Bronze.  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Let's make him the Slayer! He's smart!  
  
Willow -   
Are you sure?  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Positive. Xander, you're the Slayer now. Have fun. Biffy, there are shiny things in my office, go in there. Willow, come with me. I have some things to show you in my flat.  
  
Xander -   
Come on. All those tasty young morsels all over the place? Anyway, that's where Jesse's gonna be, trust me.  
  
SPIKE: Apparently none of them gets the idea behind 'minion'. It's not about what the minion wants, or where the minion wants to go, it's about the vampire who made him. He'll be where the Master wants him.  
  
Giles grabs his coat and starts  
  
TARA: ...to do the oddest little dance for them.  
  
out of the library. The others begin to follow.  
  
Giles -   
Then we should get there. The sun will be down before long.  
  
GUNN: Yeah, and it's not like they just discovered the whole town's got access tunnels underground for the vampires to move around in. They have to wait for sundown apparently.  
  
Buffy -   
I gotta make a stop. Won't take long.  
  
Giles -   
What for?  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) I have a date. Meet you at the Bronze in about six hours. We have a marathon sex-session planned. Try not to die while I'm gone. Bye!  
  
Buffy -   
Supplies.  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...for my date. You don't wanna know.  
  
Cut to a view of the sun setting above a ridge.  
  
ALL: Aw. How pretty.  
  
Cut to Buffy in her room. She goes to her closet and pulls out a heavy, black  
  
TARA: ...elephant.  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Fluffy, what are you doing in here?  
  
jacket. Her mother walks into the room.  
  
GUNN: How's that for talent?  
  
Joyce -   
Buffy?  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Mooo-ooom! I told you my new, cooler name is 'Biffy'! Buffy is so... passé.  
  
Buffy -   
Mom!  
  
Joyce -   
You're going out?  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Yep. Date. Marathon sex-session. Bye.  
  
Buffy -   
I have to. (puts on her jacket)  
  
Joyce -   
I didn't hear you come in last night.  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Well, next time take off the headphones. I could hear the Foo Fighters all the way in my room. It's so embarrassing that you listen to the same music as me, Mom. Please stop.  
  
Buffy -   
I was really quiet.  
  
Joyce -   
It's happening again, isn't it? I got a call from your new principal. Says you missed some classes today?  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) I had to go eat rats, and insult this horribly gorgeous man that I don't at all like.  
  
Buffy -   
I was running an errand.  
  
Joyce -   
We haven't finished unpacking, and I'm getting calls from the principal.  
  
Buffy -   
Mom, I promise, it is *not* gonna be like before. But I *have* to go.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) ...get in some fights and burn down some gyms. Believe me, it's for the best.  
  
Joyce -   
No.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh well, I tried. Sorry, World.  
  
Buffy -   
Mom?!  
  
Joyce -   
The tapes all say I should get used to saying it. No.  
  
Buffy -   
This is really, really important.  
  
Joyce -   
I know. If you don't go out it'll be the end of the world. Everything is life or death when you're a sixteen-year-old girl.  
  
WESLEY: For some more than others.  
  
Buffy -   
Look, I don't have time to talk about this...  
  
GUNN: Oh, that'll help.  
  
Joyce -   
Buffy, you've got all the time in the world, you're not going anywhere. Now, if you wanna stay up here and sulk,  
  
TARA: (as Joyce) ...I'll be downstairs laughing at you.  
  
I won't hold it against you. But if you wanna come down, I'll make us some dinner.  
  
She leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind her.  
  
GUNN: More of Joyce's wonderful talent, ladies and gentlemen, let's have a round of applause.  
WESLEY: (to Gunn) Remember when Angel left for Sunnydale a while back?  
GUNN: (confused) Yeah?  
WESLEY: It was for Joyce's funeral.  
GUNN: (winces) Sorry, guys.  
  
Buffy can't believe what just happened. She leans against  
  
SPIKE: ...Fluffy and sighs. (as Buffy) Well, girl, it looks like the world is doomed. Ah well, want some dinner?  
  
the closet door, takes a deep breath and exhales. Then she turns and opens the closet again and pulls out a large chest.  
  
TARA: ...her own chest being too small for anyone to see. She tries it on, admiring her new curves. (as Buffy) Nifty!  
  
It has a flat box in it full of her stuff. She lifts out the box to reveal what's underneath.  
  
ANYA: ...beef jerky. Her secret passion.  
  
Stakes, crosses, garlic, bottles of holy water. She pulls a bunch out and puts it in her sports bag.  
  
WESLEY: How does one do that, exactly? Pull out a bunch of things and put 'it' in her bag?  
GUNN: More of that Summers talent? No disrespect.  
  
She takes a particularly sharp stake and conceals it in her jacket sleeve.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Xander's got a big surprise coming. Tee hee.  
  
She closes the chest,  
  
TARA: ...which, of course, was open due to sudden open heart surgery.  
  
zips the bag closed and goes over to her door to make sure her mother isn't nearby. Then she grabs the bag, slides it out of the window onto the roof and climbs out after it.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Wait for me, Bag! I love you! Don't leave without me!  
  
Cut to the sun going down over a hill.  
  
ALL: Aw. How pretty.  
  
Cut to the Bronze. The doorman is checking ID's.  
  
WESLEY: Why? As Cordelia said they let anyone in.  
SPIKE: That's true, they *did* let you in.  
WESLEY: I'm doing some serious laughing inside.  
  
Cut inside to the upper level. Cordelia and her friends find a table.  
  
TARA: (as Cordelia) Oh, look! Isn't it the cutest table you've ever seen? I'm gonna keep it, and love it, and name it Bernie.  
  
Cordelia -   
Senior boys are the only way to go.  
  
GUNN: (as Cordelia) ...when considering a grocer-slash-personal assistant. They're so mature, and stuff.  
  
Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? (they sit) Like Jesse. Did you see him last night,  
  
ANYA: (as random girl) Um, no, 'cause of how he was killed and turned into a vampire and all.  
  
following me around like a little puppy dog.  
  
WESLEY: (as Cordelia) ...begging for food and trying to hump my leg. It was gross.  
  
(they all giggle) You just wanna put him to sleep.  
  
GUNN: (as random girl) Um, no, that would be murder. Or euthanasia, or something. Which would probably be wrong.  
  
But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for?  
  
WESLEY: Money?  
GUNN: Bank accounts?  
SPIKE: Jewelry?  
TARA: Material things?  
ANYA: Those are all good things to have.  
  
Cars! I just am not the type to settle. Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more.  
  
ALL: ...right.  
  
Girl -   
You know, I...  
  
Cordelia -   
Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished?  
  
ALL: (burst out laughing)  
  
Oh, I love this song! Come on!  
  
Cordelia and her gang make their way to the dance floor and start to move to the sound of  
  
GUNN: ...some guy playing a tissue-covered comb.  
WESLEY: Whoo! Look at 'em go!  
  
"Wearing Me Down" by the Dashboard Prophets.  
  
Jesse watches Cordelia from the side. He walks onto the dance floor. The song is over, and Cordelia stops dancing.  
  
SPIKE: Short song.  
TARA: Very short.  
  
She starts to leave, but Jesse is standing in front of her, fingers on his lips.  
  
ANYA: (as Jesse) Mmm, have you tried their chicken here? It's finger-lickin' good.  
  
Cordelia -   
Uh, what do you want?  
  
SPIKE: (as Jesse) You to pretend you're my mom to get me some booze. Play cheap whore for the bartender. Oh, look, you're already doing that.  
  
Another song, "Ballad For Dead Friends", starts. Jesse lowers his hand, takes hers and leads her back onto the dance floor.  
  
Cordelia -   
Hey! Hello! Caveman brain! What are you doing?  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) Helping you play cheap whore?  
  
Jesse -   
Shut up!  
  
He begins to dance with her.  
  
Cordelia -   
Well, just one dance.  
  
WESLEY: So all it takes is a little force and she's putty in his hands?  
GUNN: Not force, confidence.  
  
They dance close. Cut to outside where the doorman is counting money.  
  
ANYA: Being as there's no cover tonight, the bouncer's just standing outside, in the dark alley, counting his money?  
TARA: Looks like.  
  
Darla comes out of the shadows in a bouncy walk.  
  
GUNN: Boing-y, boing-y.  
  
She turns around and walks backward while other vampires come into the light behind her. She turns back again and  
  
SPIKE: ...screwing up her cutesy walk, smacks right into a brick wall, smashing her nose to bits. Tough break, Great Grandma.  
  
approaches the doorman. They're all sporting their game faces.  
  
Outside the Bronze. The vampires head in.  
  
Doorman -   
Need ID. (looks up) Hey!  
  
GUNN: (as doorman) ...you guys are ugly!  
  
Nobody gets inside until I get some sorta...  
  
SPIKE: (as doorman) ...gratification! You know what I'm sayin'?  
  
Luke - (growls in the doorman's face)  
Get inside.  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...I'll only cheat on the Master for you, cutie.  
  
Cut inside. The vampires come in, pushing the doorman in with them. The last one shuts the door and stands guard.  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) Remember, nobody gets in except Martha Stewart.  
  
One of the vampires makes his way to the  
  
WESLEY: ...bar, while the rest start to dance.  
  
upper level. Another one finds the main power switch and shuts it off. The people start  
  
SPIKE: ...baa-ing like sheep.  
  
complaining and wondering what happened. Luke gets up on the stage.  
  
ANYA: Quite the drama hog, isn't he?  
  
Luke -   
Ladies and Gentlemen!  
  
GUNN: (as Luke) ...I am Luke, and I'll be portraying Hamlet for tonight's entertainment.  
  
There is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm.  
  
TARA: (as Luke) ...needing to get up in the morning for work, or school, and not being able to wake up, is cause for alarm, but other than that... not so much.  
  
It just won't do any good.  
  
There are screams from the crowd as they see Luke's face.  
  
WESLEY: (as random person) You're too ugly to play Hamlet! Get off the stage! Boo! Hiss!  
  
He laughs.  
  
Cordelia -   
I thought there wasn't any band tonight.  
  
SPIKE: Good God, she's stupid.  
ANYA: Gotta agree with you there.  
TARA: Absolutely.  
WESLEY: Not anymore, she isn't.  
GUNN: Pretty damn smart if you ask me.  
SPIKE: We didn't.  
  
She looks at Jesse next to her. He's got his game face on, and she inhales in fright.  
  
TARA: (as Cordelia) I can't believe I danced with someone so ugly. My reputation will *never* recover now!  
  
Luke -   
This is a glorious night! It is also the last one any of you shall ever see. Bring me  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...a hotdog, and a piece of string. I have this trick I wanna show you before I kill you. Be a good audience and appreciate my magic tricks.  
  
the first.  
  
A vampire brings the doorman to Luke.  
  
Doorman -   
What do you guys want, man, huh?  
  
GUNN: (as Luke) Yes, actually, we do want a man. You will do well. Thanks for the offer. Kind of you.  
  
You want money? Man, what's wrong with your  
  
TARA: (as doorman) ...butts?  
OTHERS: ...?  
TARA: (shrugs)  
  
faces?  
  
Luke grabs him by the throat. He wraps his other arm around the doorman's head.  
  
ANYA: (as Luke) I love this guy! He's such a sweetie! Come here, doorman, guy.  
  
Luke -   
Watch me, people. Fear is like an elixir. It's almost like blood.  
  
GUNN: (to spike) Really?  
SPIKE: (nods)  
  
He bites the doorman and feeds on him. The doorman screams.  
  
SPIKE: Sissy.  
  
Cut to the Master in his lair. He raises his head as he feels the first of the souls that will be taken for him.  
  
GUNN: (as Master doing the Count) One! One soul! Muwahahaha!  
  
Cut to Luke. He drops the doorman's body.  
  
Luke -   
Next!  
  
WESLEY: (as Cordelia) Oh, me, me! You're being all confident and stuff, so I wanna die for you!  
GUNN: (chuckles)  
  
Cut outside. The team arrives running.  
  
ANYA: ...due to the fact that they're all extremely out of shape, they all collapse to the ground, wheezing.  
  
Buffy tries the door.  
  
WESLEY: (as Buffy) Unh! It's locked. I guess we'll have to give up. Oh well. See ya.  
  
Buffy -   
It's locked!  
  
WESLEY: (snorts with laughter) I told you.  
  
Giles -   
We're too late!  
  
GUNN: (as Giles) Oh well, we tried. Let's go home and have lots of sex until the world ends.  
  
Buffy -   
I didn't know I was gonna get grounded!  
  
SPIKE: And that right there just about sums up the Slayer. Sad, isn't it?  
  
Xander -   
Can you break it down?  
  
WESLEY: Are you kidding? She can't even close a door without your help, let alone break one down.  
  
Buffy -   
No, not that thing. Um... You guys try the back entrance, and I'll find my own way.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Ha ha, I have a key. I'll let them search around outside for an hour or so, then let them in. I'm so naughty.  
  
Giles -   
Right. Come on.  
  
ANYA: (as Giles) Ha ha, I have a key. I'll let her search around outside for an hour or so, then let her in. I'm so naughty.  
  
Buffy -   
Uh, wait! Guys! Here! (hands Willow her bag)  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Whatever you do, whatever happens, protect my make-up. It's essential that you understand that. Got it?  
  
You get the exit cleared and the people out. That's all!  
  
ANYA: (as Giles) That's all? Hell, woman, you want us to do your complete job for you. What's left for you? Oh, yeah... kill the stupid vampires. Anything else we can do to make your lame-ass job easier for you?  
  
Don't go Wild Bunch on me.  
  
Giles -   
Uh, see you inside, then.  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Bitch.  
  
Giles, Xander and Willow run  
  
TARA: ...laughing from the Bronze, leaving Buffy to fight the vampires alone.  
  
around to the back. Cut to the back. Willow tries the door. It's locked, too.  
  
Willow -   
No joy!  
  
SPIKE: (to Willow) That's not what you said last night.  
TARA: Yeah, right.  
SPIKE: (shrugs) Don't believe me then.  
TARA: I don't.  
SPIKE: Okay.  
TARA: I don't!  
SPIKE: Suit yourself.  
ANYA: (to Tara) Ignore him.  
  
Xander -   
We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider that usual.  
  
Giles -   
You listen to me! Jesse is dead! You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.  
  
WESLEY: That's the first smart thing I've heard Giles say so far.  
  
Cut to the Master, testing his confines. Cut to Luke, feeding on a girl. Cut to the Master.  
  
GUNN: Ahh! We're seeing things from the point of view of a kid with ADHD. Make it stop!  
  
Master -   
Almost free!  
  
SPIKE: I'm right there with you, mate.  
  
Cut to Luke, still feeding on the girl. Cut to the Master.  
  
GUNN: I'm getting nauseous.  
WESLEY: (chuckles) It isn't that bad.  
  
Master -   
Give me moooooore!  
  
TARA: (as Master) ...more Kool-Aid for my mouth! I must have more!  
  
Cut to Luke.  
  
GUNN: No! No, don't--  
  
He's finished with the girl and drops her body. Cut to Darla and Jesse.  
  
GUNN: No! No, please don't--  
  
She wants to take Cordelia to Luke.  
  
Jesse -   
This one's mine!  
  
TARA: (as Darla) Dude, you saw how ticked the old man was when I tasted you. He's gonna totally flip if I don't bring the next one unharmed. He's weird like that.  
  
Darla -   
They're all for the Master.  
  
She pulls on Cordelia. Jesse lets go of her.  
  
WESLEY: ...they end up breaking her in half, and go off in search of someone else.  
  
Jesse -   
I don't get one?  
  
Cut to Buffy breaking an upper window and crawling in.  
  
Luke -   
I feel the Master's strength growing!  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...against my leg... Down, Master! Down, boy!  
  
Buffy sees Luke on the stage.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) Romeo, oh, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? (as Luke) What light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the east--  
OTHERS: O_O  
GUNN: Don't quote Shakespeare, it just seems wrong somehow.  
  
Luke -   
I feel him rising. Every soul brings him closer! I need another!  
  
Buffy - (to herself)  
The Vessel.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) ...where's that darn vessel? Oh, here it is! Stupid glass pitcher of beer, you've been a big trouble to everyone, come along now.  
  
The vampire on the upper level sees Buffy and growls.  
  
TARA: (as vampire) You're not taking my pitcher, lady. Prepare to fight!  
  
She looks over at him.  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Whatever. Just don't touch the hair or the make-up.  
  
Luke -   
Tonight is his ascension.  
  
ANYA: Not a true Ascension.  
  
Tonight will be history at its end! Yours is a glorious sacrifice! Degradation most holy. (no one in the crowd stirs) What? No volunteers?!  
  
ALL: (chuckle weakly)  
  
Darla - (brings him Cordelia)  
Here's a pretty one.  
  
WESLEY: (as Luke) Where?  
GUNN: (as Darla) Here, this girl.  
WESLEY: (as Luke) But, where's the pretty one?  
GUNN: (as Darla) Right here, this girl.  
WESLEY: (as Luke) No, the pretty one you just offered me.  
GUNN: (as Darla) Right... *here*!  
WESLEY: (as Luke) Where? I don't see--  
OTHERS: Enough!  
  
Cordelia screams when she sees Luke up close. He caresses her face. He's about to bite her when Buffy kicks the vampire down from above them. Luke watches him land with a thud. Buffy approaches the railing.  
  
Buffy -   
Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?  
  
Luke -   
You!  
  
TARA: (as Buffy) Wait. I'm confused. You were in the middle of me? How is that possible? You're stupid.  
  
Buffy -   
You didn't think I'd miss this. Did you?  
  
Luke -   
I hoped  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...you would. More's the pity.  
  
you'd come.  
  
Buffy -   
Be right down!  
  
She steps away from the railing and executes a roundoff to get down.  
  
ALL: (flatly) Wow.  
  
She lands on a pool table.  
  
ALL: (flatly) Wow.  
  
A vampire attacks from her right. Buffy  
  
WESLEY: ...runs away, fearing the vampire is going to be as much trouble as those meddlesome doors.  
  
does a front walkover off of the table, grabbing a  
  
GUNN: ...tomato.  
  
pool cue on the way. When she lands she thrusts it into her--  
  
SPIKE: ...and there was this one time, in Band Camp...  
GUNN: Did you just censor yourself?  
SPIKE: Somewhat.  
  
attacker and lets go. He begins to fall and burst into ashes.  
  
ANYA: ...but then he stops, thinks about it, and decides that he doesn't want to die, and leaves.  
  
Buffy -   
Okay, Vessel boy. (removes her jacket) You want blood?  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) Nah. Not really in the mood for blood tonight. Do you have any of those little pretzels? I love those things. Or, ooo, maybe some donuts. Powdered, of course, or jelly-filled.  
  
Luke -   
I want yours! (releases Cordelia) Only yours!  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...your powdered donuts are the best!  
  
Buffy - (shrugs)  
Works for me.  
  
She runs and  
  
WESLEY: ...trips, ruining the whole 'too cool' attitude she was trying to convey.  
  
cartwheels up onto the stage, and immediately launches into a  
  
GUNN: ...sales pitch.  
TARA: (as Buffy) Please, sir, just buy *one* box of the double-dipped chocolate grasshoppers? Pleeeeeeeeeease?  
  
full spinning hook kick. Luke staggers into a pile of  
  
ANYA: ...ants, scattering them all over the Bronze.  
  
chairs. Buffy assumes  
  
WESLEY: ...she's won, and leaves.  
  
a fighting position. Luke gets up and growls. He comes at her and swings, but she ducks the punch and comes up behind him. He tries a backhand punch, but she blocks him, holds onto his arm and gives him three roundhouse kicks to his stomach before he shakes loose. She takes her stake and lunges at him. He blocks the lunge, knocking the stake from her grip.  
  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Hey! You broke my kung-fu grip!  
  
He lifts her up and throws her into a pile of boxes.  
  
Cut to the back of the Bronze. Giles, Willow and Xander break in.  
  
ANYA: Bad, Giles, Willow and Xander!  
  
Giles -   
Hurry!  
  
Xander runs in to see what's going on.  
  
SPIKE: ...disturbingly looking like a dog running around sniffing people.  
  
He sees Buffy is down. She gets up, so Xander turns his attention to the crowd.  
  
WESLEY: (as Xander) Eh, screw her.  
  
Xander - (in a low voice)  
C'mon! Let's go! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!  
  
TARA: (whispers) Who's he talking to?  
ANYA: The crowd?  
TARA: Oh.  
  
Cut to the back. Giles guides the people to the back door.  
  
Giles - (whispers)  
Hurry up! Come on! Through this door! Come on! This way!  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Hurry up! Come on! This way, damn it, you stupid-ass slow people! Hurry up!  
  
Cut to the main room. Buffy spins around and  
  
TARA: ...weebles and wobbles, but doesn't fall down.  
  
lands a backhand punch on Luke's face, knocking him into another pile of stuff.  
  
ALL: ...  
WESLEY: Another pile of stuff.  
GUNN: Huh. Was there a first pile of stuff?  
  
He's dazed. Buffy turns to see a vampire grab Xander. She grabs a cymbal from a drum set and throws it at the vampire like a Frisbee.  
  
ANYA: She's trying to kill Xander! Stop her!  
OTHERS: How?  
  
Xander sees it coming and ducks. The cymbal decapitates the vampire.  
  
ANYA: I don't know... I-- that is *so* wrong! How did she know he was going to see it and duck? She's lucky she didn't kill him, or I'd have to hurt her for him.  
SPIKE: You never would've met him if she'd killed him. Don't think it'd be a problem for you.  
  
Xander -   
Head's up!  
  
Buffy can't resist a chuckle.  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) I'm so cute! I almost killed Xander. Yay, me! (as herself) Bitch.  
  
Luke grabs her from behind.  
  
SPIKE: (as Buffy) And there was this one time, in prison camp...  
  
Cut to Cordelia on the floor with Jesse above her. She struggles and he grabs her arms.  
  
TARA: ...ripping them off her shoulders. (as Jesse) Aha! I knew you were a Barbie doll all along. And with detachable arms no less. Tsk.  
  
Jesse -   
Hold still! You're not making this easy!  
  
Xander comes up behind him, stake in hand.  
  
Xander -   
Jesse, man! Don't make me do it.  
  
SPIKE: (as Xander) ...don't make me kill Cordelia. Ah, damn it, you're making me do it anyway. Die, Cordelia, die! Sorry, Cordelia. Jesse, that was mean.  
WESLEY: (as Jesse) I didn't touch you, man.  
SPIKE: (as Xander, loudly) Liar, Jesse! You made me kill Cordelia! Everyone saw it. You made me do it.  
  
Jesse turns to look up at Xander.  
  
GUNN: ...but then decides he's not pretty enough to look at and runs away.  
  
Jesse -   
Buddy!  
  
Cut to Buffy being held tightly from behind by Luke.  
  
Luke -   
I always wanted to kill a Slayer!  
  
SPIKE: (sighs reminiscently) It's all that, and a bag of chips too.  
  
Cut to the back where Giles and Willow are still guiding people out.  
  
Giles -   
One at a time! Quickly! Quickly!  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Geez, slow down, you stupid kids! I said one at a time. You act like there are vampires in there, and you're on the menu.  
  
He crosses to the other side of the room in front of some stairs. Darla is standing on the steps above him.  
  
Giles -   
We're going to have to open the front as well!  
  
Darla leaps onto him from behind, knocking him to the floor.  
  
GUNN: Anyone else picturing Austin Powers and Mini Me?  
SPIKE: Yeah!  
TARA: Yep!  
WESLEY: Yes!  
ANYA: Uh-huh!  
  
Cut to Xander and Jesse.  
  
Xander -   
Jesse! I know there's still a part of you in there.  
  
TARA: (as Jesse) You're right, Xander! The elbow is still the same.  
  
Jesse - (jumps up)  
Okay... Let's deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community!  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) Yeah, but that excruciating loser was my friend! And I wanted to date him!  
  
Look at me. I'm a new man!  
  
ANYA: (as Jesse, singing) You make me feel brand new.  
  
Cut to Buffy and Luke.  
  
Luke -   
Master! Taste of this...  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) ...toast. It's yummy!  
  
and be free!  
  
SPIKE: Toast is freeing?  
  
He roars and moves in to bite Buffy. She senses his proximity and  
  
WESLEY: ...turns her head to kiss him. (as Buffy) You're an eligible man, aren't you?  
  
snaps her head back to land a headbutt on his face, knocking him off of her and back to the wall. She turns to him, winded.  
  
GUNN: There's a whole lot of body parts in that paragraph.  
WESLEY: Yes, there are.  
  
Buffy -   
How'd it taste?  
  
SPIKE: (as Luke) Kinda tart to be honest. (as himself) Get it? Tart? (laughs) Tart!  
OTHERS: (nod and smile)  
  
Cut to Giles and Darla struggling on the floor. Willow approaches them while taking out a jar of holy water.  
  
WESLEY: (as Willow) Get off of my boyfriend! I mean my Librarian! We're not dating or anything, but get off of him!  
  
Willow -   
Get off of him!  
  
ALL: (laugh)  
  
Darla is distracted and looks up.  
  
ANYA: (as Darla) Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know he was your boyfriend, here, you can have him back.  
  
Willow throws the holy water at her. It burns her face and steams. She gets up and runs from the club, screaming.  
  
ANYA: (as Darla) God! I was giving him back to you, you poopy-head!  
  
Cut to Jesse and Xander. Jesse grabs Xander by the jacket and lifts him around against a wall.  
  
SPIKE: (as Xander, effeminately) Ooo, do it again, Jesse! Do it again!  
ANYA: ...  
GUNN: Not gonna defend him this time?  
ANYA: Why bother? It hasn't stopped you guys yet.  
  
Xander has the stake pointed at Jesse's chest.  
  
Jesse -   
Ooo! Alright.  
  
SPIKE: (laughs)(as Jesse) Can you spank me too?  
  
Put me out of my misery. You don't have the guts.  
  
A fleeing patron bumps into Jesse, impaling him on the stake. Xander lets go of the stake, and Jesse begins to fall. He turns to ashes before he even hits the floor. Two vampires grab Xander. Cut to Buffy. She grabs a microphone  
  
TARA: ...and regales the screaming, crying, panicking crowd with jokes.  
  
stand and holds it like a javelin.  
  
Luke -   
You forget, metal can't hurt me.  
  
SPIKE: Bullshit. It hurts like a son of a bitch. It just doesn't kill us.  
  
Buffy -   
There's something you forgot about, too. Sunrise!  
  
GUNN: Eh? Already? Wow, does time move more quickly in Sunnydale because of the Hellmouth or something?  
OTHERS: No.  
  
She throws the stand at the window behind Luke. He ducks,  
  
ANYA: ...then gooses her.  
  
and it breaks the window behind him. A bright light pours in through it. Buffy spies  
  
WESLEY: ...on the couple making out in an end-of-their-world panic.  
  
the stake she dropped on the stage and picks it up. Luke gets up and shields his face with his hands, expecting to be burned.  
  
SPIKE: (snorts in disgust) Yeah, that works. Know what works better? Moving.  
  
He stops when he realizes it's only a bright lamp. Buffy lunges at him from behind and jams the stake home.  
  
Buffy -   
It's in about nine hours, moron!  
  
ALL: (clap)  
WESLEY: Well done!  
GUNN: That was good!  
TARA: Smart.  
ANYA: Not bad, I suppose.  
SPIKE: Is it over now?  
  
Luke begins to stagger off of the stage. Cut to the Master. He's testing the strength of his confines. Cut to Luke. He continues to stagger. Cut to the Master. Still testing. Cut to Luke. He falls from the stage and explodes into ash. Cut to the Master. He feels Luke's death and falls to his knees.  
  
GUNN: Ahh! Stop it!  
OTHERS: (yawn)  
  
Master -   
Noooooooo! Noooooooo!  
  
ANYA: It's possible he's upset.  
TARA: I thought so too.  
  
Cut to Buffy. She stares at Luke's ashes. The two vampires still have Xander. She lifts her gaze to meet theirs. The vampires panic and run.  
  
SPIKE: (as vampire) Ahh! She's hideous! Run! Flee for your lives! Run!  
  
Cut outside. The vampires run past Angel standing behind some crates stacked against a wall. He watches them run, then looks back the other way.  
  
GUNN: Hiding? What the hell is the matter with him?  
SPIKE: (snickers)  
  
Angel -   
She did it! I'll be damned!  
  
WESLEY: How true.  
  
He walks away. Cut inside to the stage. Buffy hops down to the floor. Giles and Willow meet her.  
  
Giles -   
I take it it's over.  
  
Willow -   
Did we win?  
  
ANYA: (as Buffy) No-- boo! Hee hee, I'm so funny and cute.  
  
Buffy -   
Well, we averted the Apocalypse. I give us points for that.  
  
Xander -   
One thing's for sure: nothing's ever gonna be the same.  
  
GUNN: Well, what with your friend getting killed and all, probably not.  
  
Cut to Sunnydale High the next Monday. Everything appears normal. Buffy walks along and overhears Cordelia talking to a friend.  
  
Cordelia -   
Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them!  
  
WESLEY: (as Aura) Ohmigod! Buffy knew ugly people?! How gross!  
GUNN: (as Cordelia) I know! That's what I was saying! Nasty!  
WESLEY: (as Aura) Like, did she talk to them and everything?  
GUNN: (as Cordelia) Like, ohmigod, yes! Could you just die?  
SPIKE: Please do.  
  
Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show!  
  
ANYA: Did she get knocked out? Why doesn't she remember much of it?  
TARA: Selective memory? Trauma block, or something?  
  
Girl -   
Oh, I wish I'd been there!  
  
WESLEY: (as girl) I could've seen the ugly people too, that would've been so cool!  
  
Cordelia -   
You should have been there. It was so creepy...  
  
She and her friend walk off.  
  
SPIKE: ...a bridge to the ocean below, and drown. How tragic.  
  
Buffy meets Xander.  
  
GUNN: (as Xander) Buffy, dang it, I told you we met before! Remember? Slaying vampires? Sewer tunnels? You tried to eat me?  
ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh, yeah, I remember you now-- ooo, shiny.  
GUNN: (as Xander) That's a car, Buffy... watch out... don't go into the street! Buffy, no!  
  
Buffy -   
What exactly were you expecting?  
  
Xander -   
I don't know, something. I mean, the dead rose. We should at least have an assembly.  
  
They run into Giles and Willow,  
  
SPIKE: (as Giles) Ow.  
ANYA: (as Xander) Ow.  
TARA: (as Willow) Ow.  
GUNN: (as Buffy) Ow.  
WESLEY: Ow.  
GUNN: (to Wesley) Who were you being just then?  
WESLEY: No one, but I felt left out.  
  
and the four of them continue to walk.  
  
ANYA: ...around in circles, trying to figure out how to go inside.  
WESLEY: (as Giles) Damn! If only I knew how to work a doorknob!  
  
Giles -   
People have a tendency to rationalize what they can and forget what they can't.  
  
Buffy -   
Believe me, I've seen it happen.  
  
Willow -   
Well, I'll never forget it, none of it.  
  
SPIKE: (to Willow) That's what you said last night.  
TARA: (fumes silently)  
GUNN: (shakes his head) You expect us to believe that you, and her are gettin' it on? Please.  
SPIKE: I told you before; believe what you want.  
GUNN: I believe you're delusional.  
SPIKE: (shrugs)  
  
Giles -   
Good! Next time you'll be prepared.  
  
Xander -   
Next time?  
  
Willow -   
Next time is why?  
  
Giles -   
We've prevented the Master from freeing himself and opening  
  
WESLEY: (as Giles) ...all the Kool-Aid packets of the world, but there are other, more evil things out there.  
  
the Mouth of Hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning.  
  
GUNN: That is a strange man.  
  
Willow -   
More vampires?  
  
They stop walking.  
  
SPIKE: ...and start dancing a jig. It's a very disturbing sight.  
  
Giles -   
Not just vampires. The next threat we face may be something quite different.  
  
ANYA: Giant bananas!  
GUNN: Leprechauns!  
TARA: Hands with minds of their own!  
WESLEY: Markers!  
SPIKE: ... me! (he stands up in game face, grinning down at them)  
OTHERS: O_O  
  
Buffy -   
I can hardly wait!  
  
Giles -   
We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction.  
  
SPIKE: Who's first?  
OTHERS: ...  
SPIKE: (sits down angrily) Oh, come on! The least you could do is *act* scared! (lets his face return to normal and sits sulking)  
  
Buffy -   
Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!  
  
GUNN: Why is the Earth still here?  
WESLEY: How do you mean?  
GUNN: I've seen how they work. I saw how you were when I first joined Angel, you were geek to the Nth degree--no offense--and these kids are just as bad... so how exactly is the Earth still here?  
SPIKE: I've been asking myself that for years.  
  
The three students continue to class. Giles stays behind and watches them go.  
  
Xander -   
Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.  
  
Willow -   
Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.  
  
Buffy -   
I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying.  
  
Giles turns to go back to his library.  
  
Giles -   
The Earth is doomed!  
  
GUNN: See? Even he knows.  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
They all stood up slowly, stretching and putting off asking if they were free or not. Spike had no compunctions, he stalked over to the screen and kicked it over.  
  
"Take us home!" He slowly lit a cigarette, pausing for effect. "Now."  
  
And then suddenly, he was in his crypt. "Thank God," he muttered, looking around the semi-barren mausoleum. "Home, sweet, home." He finished his cigarette slowly, wondering what the hell had just taken place. He'd talk to the Slayer and Watcher tomorrow night. It was too late tonight, dawn was creeping along the horizon, painting the cemetery with annoyingly bright colors.  
  
Stripping, he tossed back his blankets and climbed into bed. A smile lit his lips as Willow snuggled up to him with a sigh.  
  
Delusional indeed.  
  
  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Most likely that ending sucked for you. That's okay, it sort of did for me too. Not the ending-ending, but the last few pages of MST-ing. I am so tired of doing this one that I barely made it through without chucking the whole thing out the window. Fortunately my computer would've had to go with it, and that kept it from happening... so, this is the result. Critique, let me how much you liked, or disliked it. I love feedback. I'm quite the feedback ho. 


End file.
